I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple. To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.
The other day I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Holy cow! How familiar!! Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple – To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.
So here are the 5 stages of becoming a mother:
Stage 1 – Denial
“I am definitely not gonna become those messy moms who can’t even handle a baby.”
Typical Symptoms:
At this stage, a mom would walk into a nice boutique store and walk out with a pair of 4 inch high heels.
I was one of those girls who loved kids and started reading parenting blogs before I was pregnant. I thought I could do much better and totally master the art of parenting. I thought parenting should be something that would come natural to me and I will discipline my kid like a pro. When I was pregnant, I told myself that I wouldn’t give up my old self just because I had a child. Whenever I saw a “mom-looking” mother (you know what I mean), I said to myself that this was not someone I would become. I had a plan for how I could work from home while taking care of my baby. “How hard can it be?”, so I said to myself, “I will just work whenever my baby naps. Don’t they nap all the time?”
Well, Karma is a bitch. I became “those mothers” that I didn’t like…
“Why is my baby so freaking hard to deal with?! I can’t do this anymore!!!”
Typical Symptoms:
At this stage, moms can’t even bear to think about the 4 inch high heels that they just bought at Stage 1.
It turned out that I wasn’t lucky enough to have an angel baby. More importantly, I was not nearly as capable as I had thought I would be. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and messy. Motherhood was nothing like what I had pictured. I hardly had any time to myself, let alone working from home. My normal life was gone and I was pretty upset about it. I was mad!
I was mad at myself for being too naive and I was even mad at my baby for being too hard to deal with. Mostly I was mad at the fact that I was helpless and not strong enough to handle everything like a pro. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could hardly recognize myself. I could see my old self fading away and I was scared…
Stage 3 – Bargaining
“Maybe I should read more parenting books and it will help. Maybe I will finally get my old self back when my baby is older.”
Typical Symptoms:
At this stage, moms are likely to stare at the 4 inch high heels they bought at Stage 1, just to appreciate their beauty and hoping they can finally wear them…soon…maybe for special occasions.
After a while, after I almost got used to my new norm, I started to wish for a miracle. Maybe I could still turn things around. I started to look for answers online, searching for parenting tips. I even made a spreadsheet of my baby’s feeding/sleep schedule, trying to find a pattern and solutions. But the final result was pretty disappointing. Babies are unpredictable and I was no super woman. My last hope of becoming a capable hot-looking young mom had pretty much gone. Real life struggles had burst my fancy bubbles.
Stage 4 – Depression
“My life is over…”
Typical Symptoms:
At this stage, moms would pack up their 4 inch high heels, give them away or sell them on eBay, thinking they would never own nice things again…
This phase didn’t last too long for me, but it almost crushed me. I didn’t feel like myself and I missed my old self so much. I missed how I was free to do anything I wanted at any time. I missed how I could sleep in on weekends, and watch late night movies with my husband without having to worry about a thing. I missed my old identity, my freedom and my old life. I didn’t like who I had become and I didn’t like the fact that I was not in complete control anymore. Being a mom was a 24/7 job and I was exhausted. I almost believed that my life was over…
Stage 5 – Acceptance
“I am no longer my old self, but I am a better person. I am a mother!”
Typical Symptom:
At this stage, moms would proudly walk into a mall and pick out the most comfortable (yet stylish) shoes they could find in 30 minutes, and rock it like a pro.
Things took a turn for the better when my little toddler ran to me, hugged me tightly and said he loved me for the first time. This emotion I felt at the moment was something I had never experienced before. This little man thought I was his world and loved me with his whole heart. It might sound cliché, but I felt like all the hardship I had gone through and all the sacrifices I had made were all worth it.
No, I am not my old self anymore and my life will never go back to the way it was. I still miss it sometimes. But I believe that I have become a better person now. Because of my son, I learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and patient toward others, especially the ones that needed help. I am more resilient, determined and courageous (I am not even that scared of bugs and public bathrooms any more…).
Honestly, I still hate being a mother sometimes. My kid still drove me crazy all the time. I complained a lot and I yelled at my kid once in a while (Go, yellers!). But I do love being a mother now. Motherhood might not be the best thing in the world but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Toddlers are hands down 10 times worse than infants! They learned to reject, to defy and to whine…But they haven’t learned to communicate themselves yet. These are the perfect recipe for the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns…
The biggest challenges I had faced as a mother in my Second Year of Motherhood
This year is certainly the least-talked-about year. But I would say the second year of motherhood is not any easier. Many moms are prepared for the new mom struggles and “terrible twos”, but didn’t know much about what they would go through after their babies turn one year old.
So my baby turned one year old. He became a little human, not a chubby infant anymore. Of course, I thought it would get better. “At least he can understand better now!”, so I said to myself. Nope, it actually got worse. Toddlers are hands down 10 times worse than infants! They learned to reject, to defy and to whine…But they haven’t learned to communicate themselves yet. These are the perfect recipe for the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns…
But here is the silver lining: Although what you have been through with your one-year-old toddler could be a lot tougher than before, most of the problems with one-year-olds can actually be solved! (Unlike how it was in the first year, when you had to wait for your baby to slowly grow out of it most of the time).
Amongst all the challenges I had experienced in my second year of motherhood, the following 6 things were the worst that almost drove me crazy:
1. He turned into a super picky eater!
It definitely ranked #1 on my list. My son was a pretty good eater when he was just an infant. He started solid when he was 5.5 months old and almost ate everything we offered (except those he was allergic to). His favorite was actually vegetables, such as sweet peas, carrots or even green beans.
However, after he turned one, he started to drop everything one by one. There was no reasons, no signs. Just one day, all of a sudden, he refused to touch the sweet peas. Two weeks later, he refused to eat carrots. They always say to try everything when the kids were young so that they don’t turn into picky eaters. Well in my case this was far from the truth.
I could spend 30 minutes just to prep a small healthy meal for him, only to find the food lying on the floor, because when my son didn’t like them, he spit them out and threw them on the ground. He was a stubborn little man. I tried everything for him to eat healthy, but all failed. The most frustrating part was that I never knew what was going to happen. Because his favorite meal from yesterday could be something he hates today.
My Solution:
It was extremely hard to find a perfect solution to this problem. After trying everything, I realized that the most important “skill” parents need to have is patience, and the most effective “tricks” that actually worked are exposure, exposure AND EXPOSURE! Exposure means to always offer what adults eat to the child, include your child in meal-time conversations, and encourage your child to try something new even if he or she spits it out right away. Patience simply means that we should never give up. Keep in mind that kids might have sensory issues, but they will eventually grow out of it (given enough exposure). Also, I learned that electric toothbrushes actually helped; at least, it worked for my son. So it is also worth a try!
2. He was so easily frustrated!
One-year-old toddlers, especially the strong-willed ones, are extremely cranky and easily frustrated. Here are just a few of the reasons that might cause the frustrations:
(1) They now have needs more than just eat and sleep, which are harder for us to attend to.
(2) They often don’t know what they want, but only how they feel (such as being upset and unsatisfied).
(3) They are not able to communicate verbally.
(4) They have zero patience (due to lack of sense of time).
These needs and feelings combined could have made anyone frustrated, let alone one-year-old toddlers, who don’t know how to control their emotions at all.
My son used to get frustrated over every little things, or even sometimes over nothing, especially when he just woke up from his naps. He always woke up crying, after a peaceful two-hour-long nap. It was really hard to deal with him at that time, as I didn’t even know the cause of all those meltdowns. He could be very happy, but started to scream one minute later. Some of my parent friends even call it “terrible one”, because it was so terrible.
My Solution:
Well, dealing with one-year-old tantrums is very hard, as it is impossible to reason with them. However, we can try to avoid things that can possibly trigger the meltdowns (this might help but unfortunately not guaranteed to work.). First of all, any toddlers get cranky when they are tired or hungry. So make sure to feed them small snacks throughout the day and make sure they get enough sleep. Sticking to a fixed daily schedule might help. Second, do not overwhelm them by showing them too many options (i.e. if a shape sorter includes blocks with 9 different shapes, you can let your toddler to start with only 2 or 3 shapes). Third, do not interrupt when they work on something, but make sure to watch them and offer help whenever necessary. Last but not least, if they cry for no reasons (or for things that you can’t allow them to have), just distract them. There are many ways to distract a one year old, such as to point at something outside the window, bring him his favorite toys, or just blow some bubbles.
3. He got sick all the time…
My mom used to say, “when babies stop drinking breast milk, they start to get sick”. It was definitely the case for my son. It all started with running nose, coughs, then high fever to top it off. It got worse after I sent him to a part-time daycare after he turned 18 months. Putting him in daycare was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because my son had improved so much socially and academically after he started daycare. However, he also got sick a lot more often for the obvious reasons.
My son got RSV on his first day in daycare. It was the worst we had ever experienced as he had really high fever (104.5) and refused to eat or drink (probably due to sore throat or upset stomach). He got so dehydrated that we had to rush him to ER for IV. The second worst was hand-foot-and- mouth disease. His whole tongue was swelling up and he couldn’t eat anything. He got very frustrated as he didn’t know that his tongue was the problem, but thinking it was the food that hurt his tongue. It took a while for us to convince him to eat normally again after he recovered.
For a strong-headed one year old, it was hard for them to understand a lot of things. They didn’t even know what was “being sick”. All they could tell was they felt so uncomfortable and they hated it. They didn’t understand that in order to recover from the illness they had to go through certain procedures. It was hard to get them do anything: drink water, eat fruit, see doctor, get shots, drink medicine, or even sleep…seemed to be torture to them, and everything became a two-man job (i.e. one parent to hold him down, while the other feed him medicine, etc).
The worst part is that you don’t get to sleep anymore when they are sick. They felt extremely uncomfortable when they woke up in the middle of the night, mostly due to stuffy nose or sore throat. They could wake themselves up just by coughing, and then burst into tears. All of these were understandable, but so hard for parents to handle. So yea, it almost drove me crazy.
Getting sick is a natural process for immune system to mature. So technically it is not bad for our toddlers to get sick once in a while. But the process was such a drag that we of course want to prevent it from happening too often. What we can do is to make them drink plenty of water, eat plenty of fruits, and make sure to wash their hands often. On the other hand, we need to be prepared by stocking up the necessary over-the-counter medicines, such as fever reducer, saline and Pedialyte (for them to stay hydrated), to reduce their symptoms. If the room is too dry at night, make sure to turn on humidifier, which will help to ease a stuffy nose. Most importantly, we need to take care of ourselves, too. This was, however, easier said than done, as I unfortunately got the germs from my son almost every single time and it was not pretty…
4. Rough transition from 2 naps to 1 nap.
My son used to be a champion at napping before he turned one. Oh how I miss the precious freedom when he took two naps a day. He obviously doesn’t nap in the morning anymore. This is not even the worst part. The transition from 2 naps to 1 was the part that almost drove me crazy.
So one day, my then 15-month-old toddler took his morning nap and finished his lunch, but never wanted to lie down again for the afternoon nap. I tried everything, but he was just standing there in his crib. So I ended up taking him out of the crib, and played with him. After a couple of hours, my toddler appeared to be very tired, getting super fuzzy and cranky. So I put him to bed to nap at 4pm (huge mistake). He woke up at 6pm, fresh and excited, and of course refused to go to bed again at 7:30pm, which was his regular bedtime.
I thought it was just a one-time thing, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! It happened again and again. Then, I came to realization that maybe it was time to eliminate the morning nap all together.
It was definitely hard work to keep him awake till he finished his lunch. For any strong-willed toddlers, being hungry and overtired at the same time was the number one reason for major uncontrollable tantrums. Plus he was a picky eater. It took so much energy out of me just trying to stay calm. If this also happened to you, hang in there! We’ve all been there and this too shall pass.
My Solution:
The 3 keywords for the transition period to go a little smoother are: morning snacks, early nap, and early bedtime. I made sure he didn’t get hungry in the morning by adding one more morning snack. I also moved up his nap time from 1pm to 11:30am to make sure he was not overtired before nap. Sometimes, I fed him a big snack around 11am (such as yogurt or cheese sticks), and put him straight to bed. Then after he woke up from nap in the early afternoon, I would feed him his late “lunch”. After keep adjusting for over a week, I managed to get by with this new schedule: Lunch at 11am and nap at 11:30am. Because he skipped morning nap, sometimes his afternoon nap could last for 3 to 3.5 hours. The best part was I finally got to move his bedtime up to 7pm, as he would be actually tired by then. Hallelujah!
5. The reckless little guy can no longer be contained.
It was so cute and sweet to see my son taking his first steps, but starting from that moment, my life as a mother was turned upside down. This little guy became mobile and can’t be contained anymore. (This can happen before they turn one, but for my son it happened after he became a willful one-year-old toddler.)
They don’t understand what danger is, so they want to touch anything or eat anything they touch. They would charge to the middle of the street just to pick up a piece of leaf. They could open all the drawers in your house and take everything out. Some can even open the doors and just wander out of the room. They want to be out and about all the time. Unfortunately, chilling-at-home is no long an option for them.
This sometimes happened right after they can crawl. But trust me, walking independently and crawling are completely different stories!
My Solution:
Baby proof everything is definitely one of the obvious solutions. Make sure the drawers can’t be opened easily and the outlets are covered. Pack all your loose items away as they are choking hazard. Install large baby playpens (play yards) or baby gates to prevent your toddlers from wandering into the bathroom or kitchen. You can find a lot of articles online with tips to thoroughly baby proof your house. Personally, I believe that I should try to never let my one year old out of my sight. You just don’t know what could happen when you are not around. But when I needed a break, I would put him in his play yard and gave him his favorite toys (this unfortunately didn’t work for me 60% of the time, see #6 below). In addition, make sure to always buckle them in the stroller when you walk through a busy area with lots of cars. Let them run free in a safe area, but again always keep a close distance and don’t let them wander out of your sight.
6. He became super clingy and scared of strangers.
If you think the upside of toddlers being mobile is that they can be more independent, you will be disappointed. Yes, they would try to run away from you all the time when you are watching them. However, just as you needed some time to yourself and wanted to take a break, they would turn into some clingy whiny babies who just wanted to cuddle with mommy.
I still remember that night, when I needed to make dinner for him, I put him in his play yard (packed with toys), thinking he would be happy to play by himself for 20 minutes. We have an open kitchen, so I could see him just fine and he could see me as well from his play yard. But instead of playing peacefully by himself, he stood by the gate, staring at me while crying his lungs out. I thought he was being unreasonable, as I already spent a whole day with him, so I just let him cry for a couple of minutes. But he somehow managed to cry so hard that he puked…I know I sound like a mean mother, but at that moment, I was so frustrated!
Also after he turned one, he apparently got smarter, knowing me and daddy were different from the other adults, who can be a threat. As a result, he developed stranger anxiety and got very scared of anyone other than me and my husband. It took as long as 30 minutes just for him to warm up and sometimes even longer. According to experts, this is a sign of healthy bond between a child and the parents. But as parents, we also felt frustrated as our child became a scaredy-cat and couldn’t even enjoy himself very much in public settings.
My Solution:
As all of this being a sign of healthy mother-child bond, I didn’t really want to “toughen him up” by pushing him away at this age. So the only solution here was to take him with me everywhere, and to ensure him that mommy loves him and wasn’t going to leave him alone. I put him in a highchair and moved him to the kitchen so that he could see me cooking. I even took him with me to the bathroom when I needed to go. I took him outside every day and encouraged him to play with the kids in the neighborhood. I also brought him to “mommy & me” classes to social with other kids right by my side. This meant zero me time for myself whenever he was awake (except when he was at daycare part-time, thank god!), but at least I knew it was good for him to build confidence, also it led to less tears and meltdowns.
My son is 3 years old now and we certain have come a LONG way. In the past 3 years I have experienced and grown so much as a mother and as a person, that I feel obligated to share what I have learned with all of the strong headed mommies out there, who have had the same struggles. I have planned to write about “Mommy’s Biggest Challenges” in 3 parts, and this is the second part. So please stay tuned for the third part. I will be writing about how I dealt with my strong-headed boy and his “terrible two”. :p
If you are interested, here is the 1st part of the series:
I am not going to talk about the long and painful labor, the countless tasks you need to do to take care of the baby or the infamous night feedings in your first year of motherhood. I am going to talk about something that usually nobody would tell you before you become a mom.
The biggest challenges I had faced as a mother in my First Year of Motherhood.
I read books about what to expect, went to classes to learn about it and I did enough online research. Yes, I thought I was extra prepared, until my baby was born.
I am not going to talk about the long and painful labor, the countless tasks you need to do to take care of the baby or the infamous night feedings in your first year of motherhood. I am going to talk about something that usually nobody would tell you before you become a mom.
1. I learned what “Sleep Like a Baby” actually means.
This widely used term can’t be more wrong. Unless your kid is an “angel baby”, you (like me and most of the moms out there) would know how babies actually sleep. They toss and turn, sometimes spin around. They make all kind of random noises and sounds, and sometimes scream from bottom of their lung (probably due to night terror, not hunger). Instead of just “falling asleep” when they are tired, they fuss and cry. They need to be rocked to sleep, but still wake up every 3 hours (or worse). It is already pretty bad when they are healthy, and try to imagine when they are sick and up all night…After I had to live with it for almost 2 years, I really wanted to tell everyone to stop using this term “sleep like a baby”, unless they know the truth and actually mean it!
2. Sleep deprivation on a Navy SEAL training level.
This is the direct result from #1, but it is nothing anyone can imagine until they have a baby. People always say “sleep when baby sleeps”, but that almost never worked. Because there are so many other things to be done, when baby sleeps. The worst part is that babies always cry when you are just about to fall asleep, and you have to pull yourself right up. The intensity I would say is about the same as Navy SEAL training. Well, even the toughest people on earth couldn’t handle lack of sleep. According to a ABC interview, “a former Navy SEAL, said he survived for three days on no sleep before the hallucinations started to set in”…“While SEAL training didn’t break him, he was almost brought down by the chronic sleep deprivation”. So all I can say is, we, the mommies, should cut ourselves some slack when we are not able to be 100% for our babies. Because as tough as how we are, the struggle of sleep deprivation is real and it is brutal.
3. Breastfeeding and burping can take FOREVER and it was exhausting.
I am sure, as a first time mom, you are prepared for the hardship that comes with breastfeeding: the latching, painful engorgement, plugged duck and mastitis, just to name a few. Yes, I was mentally prepared for all of that. But I forgot about one thing that later troubled me the most: The LONG process of feeding, burping, pumping and repeat.
In the first couple months, my baby drank very slowly. It took a little over 1 full hour for him to finish drinking from both sides. During this hour, I couldn’t do anything, because my sensitive baby would stop drinking if I talked or moved…After feeding, he needed to be burped. It was very hard to burp him (No, a couple of patting on the back didn’t work for him), which took about another 15 minutes. Then I had to pump. Because if I don’t, the thick milk I produced would clog my milk duck which led to mastitis (happened 4 times). Pumping took about another 20 minutes. And after I finished pumping, it was about time to feed my baby again.
I felt like I was just some milk producing machine and all I did was feeding, burping and pumping. The whole process was very long and exhausting, especially when I needed to do it over and over again. It certainly got better after a couple of months, but it was hard while it lasted.
4. Jaundice, Cradle Cap, Reflux, Gas, Eczema
I hadn’t heard of most of these medical terms before, but became very familiar with them after I had my baby. These were not major health concerns, but really was a big part of my life in my first year of motherhood. I thought as long as I took care of him carefully, he would be a healthy baby. Boy was I wrong! My son was born very healthy, but somehow started to have all of those newborn conditions mentioned above. The worst of all was gassy tummy and eczema. He was a little colicky and got gassy very often, almost cried every time after feeding and needed to be held constantly. Also he had eczema all over his face, arms and legs (I later found out that allergy was the cause). It was so itchy that he would scratch all the time. I had to put mittens on his hands, trim his nails every other day and apply Aquaphor continuously for him to not hurt himself. But he still scratched himself to bleed all the time. Those newborn conditions come and go on their own, and most of the time there is not much we can do about it. I often felt very helpless at those moments, and wished that I had learned about those conditions beforehand.
5. Babies are unpredictable, not to even mention those regressions…
I used to be someone who wanted everything to be under control. So after I became a mom, I always got anxious, as most of the things I did daily became unpredictable. Feeding and sleeping schedule was not consistent. Various newborn health conditions started to surface. I almost ran out of breast milk at one point. I never knew if I could get a decent 3-hour of sleep as my son could wait up any time at night. I can go on and on if I have time, but you get the idea. What’s worse was all the “regressions”. He could be finally sleeping for a 5 hour stretch, but one day back to square one. As someone who always planned ahead, I felt like losing control on everything. This kind of lifestyle was completely foreign to me. I had always been uptight for most of my life, but after I became a mother I had to learn to be flexible and just let go. This was absolutely one of the biggest adjustments I had to make as a first time mom.
6. The magical “Maternal Instinct” doesn’t always kick in.
For me, it almost never did. After a 25-hour-long-no-epidural-painful labor, I was so exhausted that the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep. Maybe that’s why the “motherly love” didn’t rush in at that moment. In the following weeks, I was 100% occupied by all the newborn baby duties, while the most needed magical “mother’s instinct” still didn’t kick in. I was tired, overwhelmed, confused and felt trapped. If you were like me, please know that you are not alone! According to a UK study,
“more than half of women were surprised to find they suffered a complete knock in confidence because they didn’t know what they were doing.”
Here are some of the key findings from the study:
The findings from the study were not shocking to me at all, as that was exactly how I felt as a new mom. The fact that I brought my child to this world didn’t automatically make me a loving mother. I worked very hard to improve my parenting skills, to build the bond between me and my boy. I managed to adjust my lifestyle and planned everything around my kid’s needs. I learned to be a mother, and I earned my kid’s trust and love.
7. It can be hard on husbands too.
Husbands can be very supportive throughout our entire pregnancy and labor, but then turn into someone else after our babies are born. Just like us, the new moms, our husbands can never be prepared enough for what’s coming for them. I always believe that deep down the ladies are always stronger and more resilient than men, who are just children at heart until they become fathers.Fatherhood is something that would force our husbands grow from boys to men. In the very beginning, new dads are often overwhelmed, stressed or even depressed. Give them some time, initiate conversations about how we feel about the changes, give them a gentle push with encouragements, and they will become the partner you always wanted in this difficult yet fulfilling journey of parenthood. One thing to keep in mind: father and children bond through spending time together. So the best way for them to get used to the new role of being a father is to share baby duties. Practice makes perfect 😉
8. Everything is just a phase and it DOES get better!
When we vent about our baby problems, we often hear veteran moms telling us “it gets better”. Is it true, though? Well it might sound vague and hard for struggling new moms to relate, but it IS the truth. Babies’ growth consists of countless of phases. In spite of all the regressions and setbacks, they will grow out of the phases that you are currently struggling with. It is not something that other moms say to make you feel better. We learned from our experiences and it is proven to be true. Just remember, everyone eventually sleeps through the night. They will crawl, walk, talk and hit all the milestones. Different babies develop at different paces and rushing never works. When you are at the verge of going crazy, just take a deep breath, and tell yourself that, “This is just another phase and this too shall pass!”
My son is 3 years old now and we certain have come a LONG way. In the past 3 years I have experienced and grown so much as a mother and as a person, that I feel obligated to share what I have learned with all of the strong headed mommies out there, who have had the same struggles. I have planned to write about “Mommy’s Biggest Challenges” in 3 parts, and this is the first part. I have already published the 2nd part and I’ll be writing about how I dealt with my strong-headed boy and his “terrible two” in the 3rd part of the series. So please stay tuned . :p
If you are interested, here is the 2nd part of the series:
In fact, the pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.
Parenting lesson I learned from the Project Management Triangle.
When I became a new mom three years ago, I came across an online video in which the PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi (now ranked #11 on Forbes’ Power Women’s list) claimed “Women can’t have it all”. It was shocking to me at that time as I had always heard inspiring stories about how women nowadays can have successful career and a loving family at the same time. But as time goes by, the more experience I have as a stay-at-home mother, which is as demanding as a full time job, the more I can understand why Indra Nooyi, one of the most successful working mothers, claimed she could NOT have it all. Her message wasn’t a negative one.
In fact, the pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.
In project management, there is a triangle theory – All projects are carried out under constraints. Cost, Time and Quality are the three constraints that the project owner cares the most about. In a perfect world, you would like to finish a project with minimal cost, minimal time and the highest quality. However, in real world this scenario doesn’t exist. You can only pick two out of the three, which means you can’t have it all.
As parents, we all know that the process of good parenting is very similar to project management, or even a harder task to be done properly. So if we apply the project management triangle to parenting, here is what we have:
The Parenting Triangle
Basically in the Parenting Triangle, you will see four possible parenting options:
1) Little Time & Low Cost = Unhappy Children
In this scenario, the parents just don’t have time for their kids and also can’t afford (or not willing) to invest in childcare and education. According to the parenting triangle, this directly results in low quality, which is something we definitely don’t want to see in parenting. Sometimes, miracle happens and the children turn out to be great people. But in most cases, kids might end up having problems academically or socially. As parents, we try everything we can to avoid this scenario, which is one of the key reasons for stress.If both parents have to work long hours to make ends meet, they would have to ask family and friends to contribute their time to take care of the children, but at the same time try everything they can to make sure that the little time they get to spend with their children is positive and engaging.
2) Great Children & Low Cost = Less Time for Career
Every parent knows that spending quality time with your children is the most beneficial thing you can do for them. If you can’t afford expensive childcare or education, or you want to contribute your extra allowance to savings or financial investments, the best you can invest in parenting is your time. In order to form a healthy bond with your children, spending QUALITY TIME is the key. Quality time requires dedication, not just hours of sitting around watching TV or swiping the phones. It takes a lot of energy and thinking, which is as demanding as working a full time job. As everyone only has 24 hours a day, the more time you invest in parenting, the less you can spare in your career, hence the work-life balance dilemma. Many parents opt to take less demanding jobs or become a stay-at-home parent for this reason, which means they have to put their precious career on hold. The others choose to focus on their career, which leads to the third scenario:
3) Great Children & Little Time = Costly Parenthood
This scenario applies to parents who are very career oriented and spend most of their time on their career. They tend to have higher income and are willing to invest financially in top-notch childcare and education. As we all know, quality time spent with children is crucial in parenting. However, if done right, outstanding childcare or education facilities can help to achieve something similar. What’s lacked here, though, is the emotional bond that children need to build with their parents by spending quality time together.So again, this option isn’t ideal either.
4) “Have it all” = Overwhelmed by Guilt and Stress
This option doesn’t exist in project management triangle, but parents, especially women, expect themselves to make it happen and do the impossible. If this is ever your expectation, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. This is where the problem lies and this is exactly why the working parents, especially working moms, are always so stressed every day!
Why Do Moms Struggle More Than Dads?
Some may ask, if “having it all” is a myth for both parents, why do we often hear about stories of struggling working moms, not dads?
1) Maternal instincts and children’s special bond with mothers.
The PepsiCo CEO, Indra Nooyi, said in her interview that her mother told her “You might be the President of PepsiCo, but in this house, you are a mother”. This mindset might sound outdated (or even sexist), but is it really an entirely biased statement? As mothers, our maternal instincts tell us that we need to love and care for our children, and the children also need their mother’s love the most. That’s why my son loves to play with his daddy all the time, but only wants me when he got sick or got hurt. The natural bond between a mother and a child is undeniable. It doesn’t matter how successful you are at work, when you come home, you are the loving mother that your children need. This is the exact reason almost all working mother feel guilty about spending too much time and energy at work, hence the struggle!
2) Conflict between the nature of motherhood and workplace expectations.
At workplace, people are expected to stay focused, dedicated and on top of what they do. While parenthood should be shared responsibility between fathers and mothers, naturally females are designed to dedicate more in caring for their children. Mothers are the ones to carry the baby for 9 months, give birth to the child and sometimes breastfeed for as long as a year (or longer). All of these demanding responsibilities are physically and psychologically draining. In order to perform professionally at work, the mothers face greater challenges than fathers, while carrying the guilt of not being able to be there all the time for their children.
3) Social expectation for mothers.
No matter how progressive a society becomes, people always expect mothers to be the contact person for the children related activities (probably due to our superior interpersonal skills and communication skills, just saying…). When a child has an accident or gets sick at school, the mother is most likely the first person the school would call. Whenever there is a play date or an event at school, in most cases mothers ended up attending, not the fathers. Nowadays, women fight for equal rights and are very independent and driven. But in the mean time they are also expected to be on top of everything that’s related to their kids. They often strive to establish a superwomen image, meaning they are strong enough to do it all and have it all. The mindset of doing the impossible is the main reason why so many strong working moms struggle every day.
So what can we do to reduce our stress level, and gain confidence both at home and at work?
1) Embrace the fact that “We CAN NOT have it all”.
It is hard for a lot of working moms to do, but accepting the fact is the first step everyone needs to take. We are all human and we don’t have super powers. Let’s keep it real! Don’t force ourselves to do the impossible. Let go the unrealistic expectation and stop holding onto the guilt that comes with it.
Some people may say that many moms get to have a pretty decent career and still manage to spend quality time with their kids, so this is not something impossible. However, just like what’s been shown in the Parenting Triangle, this is not “having it all”. This is called “making sacrifices”.
2) Understand the inevitability of making sacrifices.
There is no way that anyone can be a perfect parent and also have a perfect career at the same time. We have to make sacrifices as we go.
If you need to prioritize your career, it means you would have to spend less time with your children. Is it ideal? No! But by working hard, you can invest more in your kids’ education. You become a role model in achieving goals, and you are happier as a person, which is also very beneficial for your children.
If you want to spend more time with your children, it means you might not achieve as much as you potentially can at work. Is it ideal? No! But your children will have healthy bond with you and gain confidence from it.
As mothers, we just need to clearly understand the priority of our lives and learn the importance of making choices, which come with sacrifices. Once the decisions are made, we should focus on the positive impacts that come with our decisions, instead of the things that we will be missing out.
3) Ask for help!
For working moms, the biggest struggle comes with major conflicts between work and life. When you need to be on an emergency business trip while your spouse is also away, or when you need to be in an important meeting soon but the school called to let you know your kid was sick, you definitely need some help to sort things out. If possible, you can ask your extended family to help and have a support system to contribute time or even funds for childcare. If no families live near, you might need to have a list of reliable babysitters on hand for emergencies. This of course shouldn’t replace parents’ responsibility, but the extra support can give you peace of mind knowing your children will be in good hands no matter what.
4) Use the “X Factor” in parenting: Attention and Love
As much as we see the similarity between parenting and project management, there is something very different between them, which is our love for the children. This can be regarded as an “X Factor” in the Parenting Triangle, to make things a little more flexible. A recent study showed that quality of time is more important than quantity of time you get to spend with your kids. It is not to say that quantity is not important. My take away from the research is that whenever you have time to spend with your children, make sure to pay attention and make them feel loved. On the other hand, also make sure to love yourself and try not to stress out about not being able to spend enough time with your children. The research showed that “mothers’ distress is related to poor outcomes for their children”, which is counterproductive to what you wanted. So it is also very important to find time for yourself and love yourself.
The working mommies are the most courageous and loving people on earth. You deserve better than the unnecessary guilt and unrealistic expectations to do it all and have it all. Love your children and love yourself. You are the best!!!
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How do we teach kids to love and create a better world? Is it better to teach them to stay indifferent to the differences just like what they’ve been doing as young toddlers, or is it more helpful to teach them about the differences, and how to deal with the differences? Is it really OK to be different?
My thoughts on teaching kids to love and embrace differences.
My two-year-old son borrowed a book from the “library” at his daycare yesterday, and the title of the book was “It’s Okay to Be Different” by Todd Parr. This book is filled with colorful pictures, listing almost all the situations or conditions what would make a child feel “different”, which delivered a very simple and positive message:
“It’s Okay to be different. You are special and important just because of being who you are.”
I loved the book, as this kind of positive and uplifting message is exactly what we needed in this troubling adult world. A recent tweet from former president Obama became the “most liked tweet” for quoting Nelson Mandela’s wise words promoting love against hate.
In the tweet he quoted, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” Alongside the tweets he posted a photo, which was what captured the essence of this message and what touched my heart deeply. Children see no colors until later when they are taught to do so. As a mother, I witnessed this every day at my son’s daycare, where diversity is the norm and kids just play together as friends, regardless of their gender, color or religious believes. In school, they are just independent individuals, not a person from a certain group. This made me ask myself,
How do we teach kids to love and create a better world? Is it better to teach them to stay indifferent to the differences just like what they’ve been doing as young toddlers, or is it more helpful to teach them about the differences, and how to deal with the differences? Is it really OK to be different?
I am not a psychologist or sociologist, who is probably more qualified to answer this question. I am only going to state my opinions based on my personal experience, my knowledge of this world, and my love for my child as a mother.
What if we do not teach them about the differences?
I often envision a world where everybody stays as innocent and childlike as young kid. Everyone loves each other without bias and discriminations, regardless of their gender, race or backgrounds. Isn’t it a peaceful and beautiful world?
However, as much as I loved the purity of this world, I do realize that as long as there is civilization and temptation that comes with human nature, this kind of utopia doesn’t exist and is not realistic. The reason for children to be so pure and innocent is mainly due to the lack of information and knowledge about the world. They are not aware of the history and the burden that comes with it. They do not understand the uniqueness of each individual, their specific needs, and the possible conflicts that come with it. They do not understand what culture means and how different culture can shape people’s values, believes and behaviors. There is an old Chinese saying which says “The less you know, the less you fear”. And it’s not hard to understand that fear sometimes comes with hate.
Now here comes the next question: Does it mean that it’s better to stay innocent, in order to avoid the fear and hate? My answer is No! The learning process is exactly how we grow and how the world evolves. As parents, our job is to guide our children to understand the differences, to conquer their fear with more knowledge and experiences, and to have empathy and an open mind toward people who are different from them. We need to teach our children the truth of love. Then they would learn to truly love themselves and each other.
It isn’t true love if we do not acknowledge and appreciate the differences.
When we are in love with someone, we often say that “I love who you are!” But this is actually a lot easier said than done. Naturally we all feel comfortable and easy to be with someone that is similar to whom we are. But nobody is 100% the same (not even for identical twins). So how do we deal with our differences?
In order to stay in a relationship, some choose to look away and pretend the differences don’t exist; some try everything they could to change the other person or even to change themselves to make the relationship work. However, this would only lead to bigger problems in a relationship, and it is not what we should be doing when we truly love someone.
First, true love starts with acknowledging the differences, to admit that we are all different. Next step is to learn to appreciate the differences. The reason is so obvious: It’s the differences that make us who we are and make us special.The end of the day, isn’t it the key reason for us to fall in love? The last step is to accept and live with our differences, and at the same time, to generate more positive energy by focusing on what we have in common.
I believe this theory about love not only applies to grown up couples, but also applies to our children when they try to build healthy relationship with the others at playground or at school. It will also help them to build self-esteem as well as respect and empathy toward the others.
Is it REALLY OK to be different?
This question seems like a no-brainer at this point. Of course, you would say, it is absolutely OK to be different, for the reasons that we’ve stated above. However, is it REALLY the case in the real world that we are living in right now?
I would say this statement is true, but it’s not telling the whole story.
We, as humans, are social animals. We naturally have the need to fit in and love the feeling of being loved and accepted. This is especially true for young kids as they are still in the stage of learning about the world by behaving just like the others. This is how they learn to walk and talk. They learn about social norms by mimicking the others around them. So how can we ignore this important factor and just tell our kids that it’s OK to be different? At least for me, I think this kind of incomplete message might cause confusions, which could lead to self-doubts, rebellious behaviors or even bullying in social settings.
As adults we all know that “being different” is not something easy to be done. Especially as an Asian American, I understand that “feeling different” is something my son is going to experience sooner or later. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the world and teach them to push limits and be their better selves. So instead of simply telling our kids “It’s OK to be different”, I would suggest to say the following to our children instead:
1) “I know you want to be just like them!”
This is the first step we need to take to acknowledge their needs to fit in. They need to understand that it is normal for us to want to be part of something, to be accepted and loved by as many people as possible.
2) “Everyone is a little different, and so are you!”
The second step is to help our children to explore themselves and their true identities. Ask them questions to help them think about what makes them different from the others? This important step is to increase self-awareness, which is the key for self-esteem.
3) “It is OK to be different, that’s why our world is so colorful!”
The third step is when we address this statement to our kids. We help our children to understand that it’s not only OK for themselves to be different, but also OK for the other people to be different. We teach our kids to have an open mind and learn to respect the others’ differences. We let them know that the differences are exactly what have made this world a wonderful place.
4) “Remember, if someone doesn’t like your differences, it is not your fault!”
The last step is a final boost for our kids to build self-respect and understand the true meaning of love. Not everyone sees eye to eye. After we teach our kids how to respect the others, they need to also know that not everyone deserves their love and respect. This is not to teach them hate, but to teach them a way to self-protect and self-improve.
The end of the day, life is short. We can’t afford to waste any time on the ones who just don’t know how to respect. Our kids need to know that sense of belonging is an important human need, but being able to get along with everybody is not only unrealistic, but also unnecessary. We need to teach our children that if they ever encounter someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate their uniqueness or even to attack them for being different, they should simply ignore the ignorant people orvoice out against unfairness and discrimination, but remember to take the high road in their heart, because they deserve better.
After all, I just want to tell my dear son that the world is a colorful place for a reason. Everyone, who knows how to love and respect individual’s differences, can find a group of people that are just like him or her. They would accept and love you for who you truly are. So embrace your differences and enjoy the journey!
In a dark room of the local aquarium, you looked at your phone for 2 seconds and soon realized that you don’t see your child around anymore. You couldn’t spot him anywhere in the room, you panicked and your brain froze.
What I learned from this traumatic experience.
If you are a parent, try to imagine this: In a dark room of the local aquarium, you looked at your phone for 2 seconds and soon realized that you don’t see your child around anymore. You couldn’t spot him anywhere in the room, you panicked and your brain froze. The worst case scenarios started to play again and again in your head as you were running around like a maniac, calling your child’s name. The whole experience felt like a nightmare.
I’ve seen it on TV, in the movies, or on the news, but I have never ever thought this could have happened to me. Because, I am a helicopter mom. I am so cautious and careful that I always kept my two-year-old son under my wings. But today it happened. It was the worst nightmare that any parents could ever have experienced. I was lucky that I found him eventually, but I still couldn’t live with the fact that I actually let this happen under my watch. After hours of replaying the horrific moments in my head and regretting and feeling guilty for not being a good mother to my young child, I slowly calmed down and started to think about what I can learn from this accident, and how to prevent it from happening again. I learned two things from what I had experienced today: First, never say never! Second, do not over protect a child.
1) Never Say Never!
My son is very shy with strangers and is usually overly cautious. He was never like the other boys who always run around in public, because those places are filled with strangers. I took my son out to do activities all the time, usually all by myself. He always followed me as we walk and even if he ran ahead of me, he would always stop and check to see if I was there. So I thought I knew my son really well and he would never run off to a strange place without me.
What I forgot was how fast toddlers grow. Their little brains are developing every day, which is why their eating, sleeping or social habits could change overnight. Today happened to be the day that he decided to explore a new place without me. That’s why we should never assume that we know our kids 100%. We need to adapt as fast as they develop, always keep an open mind, expect something new to happen any minute, stay flexible and learn from the past. After what happened today, if I have to ever look away from my child again in public locations, I would make sure to keep one of my hands on my child, because you never know!
2) Do NOT over protect a child.
This might sound contradicting to what I had addressed above. I almost lost my child due to 2 seconds of neglect and now I want to advice others NOT to over protect a child? Yes, I am not out of my mind and I said it for a reason. Tonight before I put my son to bed, I tucked him in and asked him, “Were you scared when you didn’t see me at the aquarium today?” He smiled and said he was not scared. I looked at him in the eyes and said, “Well mommy was so scared today, because I thought I had lost you!” His expression changed immediately from smiling to frowning, and looked very confused. I was a little shocked by his reaction and continued, “In the future, can you promise mommy not to run away without me?” He looked very concerned and nodded.
This hit me! I didn’t know that the possibility of getting lost in touch with mommy never occurred to him. My son is a very happy and outgoing child when he is around people he loves, but he needs extremely long time to warm up to strangers. So I did everything I could to make him believe that the world was a safe place and everyone was friendly, in order for him to feel protected and less scared in social settings. But this somehow backfired today. In his eyes, I am a superwomen and even if he doesn’t see me around, I would always go back to get him. For instance, when he didn’t want to leave a toy store empty-handed, it never worked when I “threatened” him that I was gonna leave without him, because he knew I was bluffing. He was very confident and a little bit too confident with my ability to protect him from the world, because I was always with him every step of the way (except when he was in daycare three days a week) and I am a protective mother. The accident that happened today was such a wake-up call. It made me realize that my eyes can’t be always on him 24 hours a day. As young as two years old, he needs to know that mommy can make mistakes, mommy is only human. And most importantly, he needs to learn to protect himself (i.e. In the case of going out to public places, he needs to be more aware of my whereabouts and not to run off without me).
Parenting is hard and the more I experience it first hand, the more I understand how important it is not to judge the other parents for their mistakes. The fact is we are not living in a perfect world. As parents, we need to be fully aware of this and accept the fact. At the same time, we need to teach our children how to survive in this imperfect world on their own.
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