The biggest challenges I had faced as a mother in my First Year of Motherhood.
I read books about what to expect, went to classes to learn about it and I did enough online research. Yes, I thought I was extra prepared, until my baby was born.
I am not going to talk about the long and painful labor, the countless tasks you need to do to take care of the baby or the infamous night feedings in your first year of motherhood. I am going to talk about something that usually nobody would tell you before you become a mom.
1. I learned what “Sleep Like a Baby” actually means.
This widely used term can’t be more wrong. Unless your kid is an “angel baby”, you (like me and most of the moms out there) would know how babies actually sleep. They toss and turn, sometimes spin around. They make all kind of random noises and sounds, and sometimes scream from bottom of their lung (probably due to night terror, not hunger). Instead of just “falling asleep” when they are tired, they fuss and cry. They need to be rocked to sleep, but still wake up every 3 hours (or worse). It is already pretty bad when they are healthy, and try to imagine when they are sick and up all night…After I had to live with it for almost 2 years, I really wanted to tell everyone to stop using this term “sleep like a baby”, unless they know the truth and actually mean it!
2. Sleep deprivation on a Navy SEAL training level.
This is the direct result from #1, but it is nothing anyone can imagine until they have a baby. People always say “sleep when baby sleeps”, but that almost never worked. Because there are so many other things to be done, when baby sleeps. The worst part is that babies always cry when you are just about to fall asleep, and you have to pull yourself right up. The intensity I would say is about the same as Navy SEAL training. Well, even the toughest people on earth couldn’t handle lack of sleep. According to a ABC interview, “a former Navy SEAL, said he survived for three days on no sleep before the hallucinations started to set in”…“While SEAL training didn’t break him, he was almost brought down by the chronic sleep deprivation”. So all I can say is, we, the mommies, should cut ourselves some slack when we are not able to be 100% for our babies. Because as tough as how we are, the struggle of sleep deprivation is real and it is brutal.
3. Breastfeeding and burping can take FOREVER and it was exhausting.
I am sure, as a first time mom, you are prepared for the hardship that comes with breastfeeding: the latching, painful engorgement, plugged duck and mastitis, just to name a few. Yes, I was mentally prepared for all of that. But I forgot about one thing that later troubled me the most: The LONG process of feeding, burping, pumping and repeat.
In the first couple months, my baby drank very slowly. It took a little over 1 full hour for him to finish drinking from both sides. During this hour, I couldn’t do anything, because my sensitive baby would stop drinking if I talked or moved…After feeding, he needed to be burped. It was very hard to burp him (No, a couple of patting on the back didn’t work for him), which took about another 15 minutes. Then I had to pump. Because if I don’t, the thick milk I produced would clog my milk duck which led to mastitis (happened 4 times). Pumping took about another 20 minutes. And after I finished pumping, it was about time to feed my baby again.
I felt like I was just some milk producing machine and all I did was feeding, burping and pumping. The whole process was very long and exhausting, especially when I needed to do it over and over again. It certainly got better after a couple of months, but it was hard while it lasted.
4. Jaundice, Cradle Cap, Reflux, Gas, Eczema
I hadn’t heard of most of these medical terms before, but became very familiar with them after I had my baby. These were not major health concerns, but really was a big part of my life in my first year of motherhood. I thought as long as I took care of him carefully, he would be a healthy baby. Boy was I wrong! My son was born very healthy, but somehow started to have all of those newborn conditions mentioned above. The worst of all was gassy tummy and eczema. He was a little colicky and got gassy very often, almost cried every time after feeding and needed to be held constantly. Also he had eczema all over his face, arms and legs (I later found out that allergy was the cause). It was so itchy that he would scratch all the time. I had to put mittens on his hands, trim his nails every other day and apply Aquaphor continuously for him to not hurt himself. But he still scratched himself to bleed all the time. Those newborn conditions come and go on their own, and most of the time there is not much we can do about it. I often felt very helpless at those moments, and wished that I had learned about those conditions beforehand.
5. Babies are unpredictable, not to even mention those regressions…
I used to be someone who wanted everything to be under control. So after I became a mom, I always got anxious, as most of the things I did daily became unpredictable. Feeding and sleeping schedule was not consistent. Various newborn health conditions started to surface. I almost ran out of breast milk at one point. I never knew if I could get a decent 3-hour of sleep as my son could wait up any time at night. I can go on and on if I have time, but you get the idea. What’s worse was all the “regressions”. He could be finally sleeping for a 5 hour stretch, but one day back to square one. As someone who always planned ahead, I felt like losing control on everything. This kind of lifestyle was completely foreign to me. I had always been uptight for most of my life, but after I became a mother I had to learn to be flexible and just let go. This was absolutely one of the biggest adjustments I had to make as a first time mom.
6. The magical “Maternal Instinct” doesn’t always kick in.
For me, it almost never did. After a 25-hour-long-no-epidural-painful labor, I was so exhausted that the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep. Maybe that’s why the “motherly love” didn’t rush in at that moment. In the following weeks, I was 100% occupied by all the newborn baby duties, while the most needed magical “mother’s instinct” still didn’t kick in. I was tired, overwhelmed, confused and felt trapped. If you were like me, please know that you are not alone! According to a UK study,
“more than half of women were surprised to find they suffered a complete knock in confidence because they didn’t know what they were doing.”
Here are some of the key findings from the study:
The findings from the study were not shocking to me at all, as that was exactly how I felt as a new mom. The fact that I brought my child to this world didn’t automatically make me a loving mother. I worked very hard to improve my parenting skills, to build the bond between me and my boy. I managed to adjust my lifestyle and planned everything around my kid’s needs. I learned to be a mother, and I earned my kid’s trust and love.
7. It can be hard on husbands too.
Husbands can be very supportive throughout our entire pregnancy and labor, but then turn into someone else after our babies are born. Just like us, the new moms, our husbands can never be prepared enough for what’s coming for them. I always believe that deep down the ladies are always stronger and more resilient than men, who are just children at heart until they become fathers. Fatherhood is something that would force our husbands grow from boys to men. In the very beginning, new dads are often overwhelmed, stressed or even depressed. Give them some time, initiate conversations about how we feel about the changes, give them a gentle push with encouragements, and they will become the partner you always wanted in this difficult yet fulfilling journey of parenthood. One thing to keep in mind: father and children bond through spending time together. So the best way for them to get used to the new role of being a father is to share baby duties. Practice makes perfect 😉
8. Everything is just a phase and it DOES get better!
When we vent about our baby problems, we often hear veteran moms telling us “it gets better”. Is it true, though? Well it might sound vague and hard for struggling new moms to relate, but it IS the truth. Babies’ growth consists of countless of phases. In spite of all the regressions and setbacks, they will grow out of the phases that you are currently struggling with. It is not something that other moms say to make you feel better. We learned from our experiences and it is proven to be true. Just remember, everyone eventually sleeps through the night. They will crawl, walk, talk and hit all the milestones. Different babies develop at different paces and rushing never works. When you are at the verge of going crazy, just take a deep breath, and tell yourself that, “This is just another phase and this too shall pass!”
My son is 3 years old now and we certain have come a LONG way. In the past 3 years I have experienced and grown so much as a mother and as a person, that I feel obligated to share what I have learned with all of the strong headed mommies out there, who have had the same struggles. I have planned to write about “Mommy’s Biggest Challenges” in 3 parts, and this is the first part. I have already published the 2nd part and I’ll be writing about how I dealt with my strong-headed boy and his “terrible two” in the 3rd part of the series. So please stay tuned . :p
If you are interested, here is the 2nd part of the series:
6 Things My One-Year-Old Toddler Did That Almost Drove Me Crazy
