How I Survived Long-Haul Flights with My Toddler, 3 Times

Any adult would feel anxious about being stuck in a tiny seat on a plane for long hours, let alone young toddlers. Trust me, I know the struggle. I have survived a 15-hour flight alone with my son, not once, but three times! If you can survive a trip like this, any other voyage with your little ones will be as easy as a walk in the park.

Practical tips to survive a 15-hour flight with a toddler.

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Holiday Season is finally here, which means it’s time to travel and spend some quality time with family. Sounds fun? Well, probably not so much if you need to bring your trouble-making toddler with you. What’s worse, you need to keep your cranky toddler still in a tiny seat, without losing your sanity, for more than 5 hours (or even longer). Trust me, I know the struggle. I have survived a 15-hour flight alone with my son, not once, but three times!

Any adult would feel anxious about being stuck in a tiny seat on a plane for more than 10 hours, let alone young toddlers. If you can survive a trip like this, any other voyage with your little ones will be as easy as a walk in the park.

OK, so now I am going to share my story about how I survived three 15-hour flights alone with my toddler son.

First Time Experience – How I survived long-haul flight with my 1-year-old son

If your child is older, you may skip this part and read the 2nd part of my post: How I survived long-haul flight with my 2 year old toddler (and again when he turned 3)

Before I was a parent, whenever I saw young toddlers seated around me on a plane, I would immediately feel anxious, knowing I probably won’t be able to enjoy my flight. However, after I had my own child, it was the best feeling to know that I was not the only parent with young toddlers trapped on the plane for hours!

Why? Because babies cry on the plane. They literally cry over everything. So it is definitely better to have some other babies crying with my baby, then to be the only parent that takes all the blame, you know! 😛

Hurdle #1: Sleep

I am sure you have heard about this traveling tip saying “night-time flights are good for toddlers, as they can sleep for most of the time”. Well, I don’t know about your kids, but that’s definitely not the case for my son. The outcome was quite contrary to what I had expected:

When my son turned one year old, he was already too big to sleep in the in-flight baby bassinet. So I purchased a seat for him and took the infant car seat with me, hoping that he could sleep peacefully in his car seat for hours.

However, my plan didn’t work out as expected. My one-year-old son only slept in his seat for about 1 hour, then he wanted to roll over, and got stuck (obviously he was buckled in his car seat). So he woke up, only half-awake to be accurate, and started to scream…

In order to calm him down, I had to take him out of his car seat and just let him lie on my chest. That still didn’t work. So I started to rock him back and forth…This lasted for HOURS. He never slept soundly and almost was always half awake. I, of course, didn’t get to sleep at all during this trip.

So whoever tells you to book overnight flights for your baby to sleep is either delusional or super lucky to have an angel baby.

Tried and Failed:

Book night-time flight so the baby can sleep for most of the time.

Reason:

My then one-year-old son couldn’t sleep well anywhere except in his own crib. Night-time flight can be more stressful if baby can’t sleep well.

Hurdle #2: Eat

If you intend to survive a long-haul flight with a one year old, I highly recommend you to purchase a seat for your child (although it is not required for kids under 2). First of all, it is absolutely tiring to keep holding your baby on your lap for countless hours. Most importantly, it is impossible to eat your meal by your tiny tray table, if you have to hold your baby while doing so.

If your one year old is old enough to eat airplane food, good for you! Life is much easier. However, if your baby is still too young to eat the airplane food, or if you just want to feed your baby something tastier or healthier, here are a few of my tips to help you survive:

Put formula in small Ziploc bags or formula dispensers to bring them on the plane with you. I suggest asking flight attendant for bottled water as it is much cleaner. You can also use single-serve sized formula if you think it is easier for you.
Bring as many snacks as possible!! This is crucial in order for you to survive any long-haul flights. Two simple reasons: (1) Babies are at their worst when they are hungry; and (2) The more time your baby spends eating on the plane, the less time left for tantrums and meltdowns. You know what I mean!
Bring store-bought baby food. Here are a few of my favorites:

In addition to that, I have some other practical tips in regards of when to feed your baby:

Milk during take-offs and landings. This would help equalize the air pressure in their ears and decrease ear pain.
Solid food after you finish your meal. When it is meal time for yourself, simply secure your baby in his/her seat, finish your food first, then feed the baby. This should be the most hassle-free way to feed your baby on the plane, and your baby’s meal time is less likely to be interrupted.
Offer snack frequently in between. Remember, nutritional balance should be the least of your concern at this time. The rule of thumb is to try everything you can to keep your child calm and happy on the plane.

Hurdle #3: Bathroom

Usually, there is at least one lavatory with a diaper changing table on any international flights from the U.S. to another country across the oceans. (However, some domestic flights or short distance flights don’t offer diaper changing tables. You can find a list of airlines that offer diaper changing tables here.)

Before my trip, I had thought that everything was going to be fine because I could easily change my son on the changing table. Well, I couldn’t be more wrong.

My one year old apparently thought the bathroom on the plane was the scariest place in the world. He totally tensed up the second we walked into the bathroom, and started to scream from the bottom of his lung right after I put him down on the changing table.

He was not only screaming, but was fighting for his life. So I had to hold him down with one hand while changing him with the other hand. What’s worse, it was actually a poopy diaper…

So if your baby is easily scared like my son, be prepared for the struggle and the mess! Also, make sure to bring enough wipes and change of clothes (Don’t forget to prepare change of clothes for yourself too, just in case! You know…).

And for us adults, if you are alone with your toddler on the plane and don’t trust other passengers to watch over your child, it can also be a little tricky for you to use the bathroom.

If that’s the case for you, there are two ways to do it:

Ask flight attendant for help. Some flight attendants will be happy to watch your baby for a little while when you use the bathroom
Bring the baby with you. This is the only way to do it if your baby (like my son) doesn’t like strangers and/or have separation anxieties. I ended up using a baby carrier to carry him while using the toilet…It was not pretty and not easy. But as moms we do what we gotta do!

*****

When my baby was not sleeping or eating or getting his diapers changed, I would read a book, let him play with his favorite toys, or carry him and walk around. So it is extremely important to bring your baby carrier with you. I highly recommend Ergobaby 360. It is easy to use, the most comfortable and you can carry your baby forward facing in the best ergonomic seated position.Below is a pie chart I made to showcase how much time we had spent doing what we did on the 15-hour-long flight. Hopefully it can help you stay prepared.

Second Time Wasn’t Easier – How I survived long-haul flight with my 2 year old toddler (and again when he turned 3)

I thought I was a veteran after survived my first long-haul flight alone with my baby. However, only one year later, I realized that my experience from the past year didn’t help much. (Hello, terrible 2!) When my son turned 3, it was somewhat easier, but still quite similar to what I had experienced when he was 2. So I combined what I had learned into one category.

The biggest challenge I had to face, traveling with my 2 year old (or 3 year old) on a long-haul flight, was to keep him entertained in his tiny seat for over 10 hours, and at the same time, try not to disturb our neighbors…

So here are my 5 Survival Rules that I wanted to share with you:

Rule #1: Unlimited Screen Time

If you don’t allow your kids to watch TV on the plane, then my only advice will be: Brace yourself!

Really, if you want to survive a long-haul flight with any kid older than 2, you need to just let go of your screen time rules, and let them watch as much TV as they want.

When stuck on a plane with my toddler, my motto was: Anything he wants as long as he doesn’t disturb the others. If watching TV for 10+ hours can achieve that, then just let it be!

Me stuck on a plane with my kid: Anything he wants as long as he doesn’t disturb the others.

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If you allow your kid to watch TV on the plane (a.k.a. every mom who wants to stay sane), here are the two must-have products to make your life easier:

Large Ziploc Bag

With something as simple as a Ziploc bag, you can easily hang your smartphone or tablet on the tray table in from of your child. The best part is, the iPad will be on your young kid’s eye level, and you can swipe on top of the Ziploc bag too.

The bag really comes in handy when you need to put up your tray table during take-offs or landings. Also it won’t fall or shift during turbulence. And it is super cheap!

Headband Earphones

This headband earphone I found on Amazon was extremely useful. My son hated to wear anything on his head, but he loved this headband earphone. It is cute, comfortable, and it’s even volume limited so that it doesn’t get too loud. There are many other cute designs too, including unicorn, panda, frog, fox, bunny and more, Click this link to check it out.

Now, here is one thing to keep in mind. If you believe that as long as you let your toddler watch TV, the plane ride would go super smoothly, you will be disappointed. My son watched TV for so many hours that he even got bored from watching TV!!

In order to keep the entertainment experience fresh and appealing, I had to help him switch from seatback screen to iPad and switch between shows. The most annoying part during the whole process was that he liked to kept swiping and clicking randomly on the screen…

I told him to stop, of course. But after a couple of failed attempts, I just took a deep breath and let it go. The end of the day, as long as he didn’t disturb the other passengers (according to my motto), he can do whatever he wanted…

Rule #2: Mess-Free Play Time

In order to make sure my son doesn’t get sick of watching TV from non-stop cartoon marathons, I often suggested him to take a break and do something else. He usually agreed as it was tiring to keep watching TV for hours.

I tried to read to him but somehow it was hard for him to focus with all the noises on the plane. I also tried to show him one new toy at a time to keep him excited and engaged, but the toys I brought were too small, so it was somewhat boring and really easy to roll or fall to the ground. All of these made him even more anxious and frustrated, which was not good at all when you are on a 15-hour-long flight.

Tried and Failed:

Bring many small toys and take out one toy at a time to keep my child entertained.

Reason:

Small toys are not entertaining enough for young toddlers who are cranky and overtired from the long flight. What’s worse, it’s easy to lose them on the plane which can lead to major temper tantrums.

It turned out that the most entertaining and the most manageable activity for my son to do on the plane was to draw. So I discovered the following mess-free products that are the best for trips like this.

Washable Crayons

This is the most obvious option. First, it is washable. Second, crayons are much better then markers (we all know washable markers aren’t really that washable).

Color Wonder Mess Free Markers

These markers won’t color on skin, furniture or fabric and ONLY color on the special Color Wonder paper. So you don’t have to worry about the mess at all.

Melissa & Doug Water Wow Activity Pads

These pads truly make wonders. Your kids can use the refillable water pen to “color” on the pads. And the best part is, after the pages are dry, they can do it again!!

Rule #3: Best to Be Portable

If your 2 year old still uses diapers, then it could be comparatively hassle free. However if your toddler is potty trained, you know what’s coming your way!

Everyone knows that nobody can use the bathrooms during take-offs and landings. But when a toddler, especially a boy, needs to go, it means he REALLY needs to go! What usually makes it worse is that there is always a line when the bathroom is open for use. So accidents are very likely to happen on any plane rides.

However, I have found something portable you can use to make your life a little easier.

Portable Emergency Urinal

This magical invention saved my life. I think it was designed mainly for boys (for obvious reasons), but there is actually a version designed for girls, which you can try if you are curious. I used it not only on the plane, but also in the park and when he just started to potty train. A must have if you have a toddler boy!

Portable Potty for Travel

This potty is useful if you don’t want your toddler to sit directly on the dirty toilet in the lavatory. It is also handy for girls to use in emergency situations. You can easily fold it and put it in your backpack. A must have as well!!

Rule #4: Be Prepared For the Hyperactive Behaviors

Any toddlers over 2, especially boys, must have so much energy to burn. When confined to a small seat, they just can’t stay still.

My son is not considered an athletic kid, but the long-haul flight still managed to turn him into a hyperactive kid.

His in-flight “workout” routines includes but not limited to: Take out all of the magazines and cards from the seatback pouch in front of him and throw them on the floor; jump on his seat; drum roll on his tray table; open and shut the window blind, etc. I even saw some other kids constantly kicking the back of the seat in front of them (which I absolutely won’t allow if my boy ever tried to do this).

In order for my son not to disturb our neighbors, I tried everything I could to stop him. But we all know that there is only so much we can do when we are stuck on a plane, and most importantly, considering the unpleasant nature of long-haul flights, sometimes it is better for your toddler to jump than to scream…

Most of the time, I would just direct him back to his cartoons. But when even TV wasn’t enough, 5 minutes surely felt like an hour. At some point you would have to just look away and pretend the toddler belongs to someone else…

Rule #5: Better to Lay Flat

After traveling with my then one year old on a long-haul flight, I learned that it was not a good idea to confine him in a car seat, where he couldn’t sleep well. Actually since my first traumatic experience traveling with him on the plane, I didn’t expect him to sleep for long hours on the plane at all, due to his demanding sleeping habits (he needs plenty of legroom, sleep on stomach and keep rolling around).

In spite of the low expectation, I still wanted him to nap for a little bit. So I did some research, asked around and found the following two tools that might be really helpful:

JetKids

A friend of mine used JetKids during her long-haul flight with her one year old son and it worked decently. If you want to buy this for your next trip, please keep in mind that it is pretty bulky and not all airlines allow it. Please check with JetKids staff before you make any purchase, just to be safe.

Inflatable Travel Pillow/Bed/Footrest

I saw someone using this pillow on the plane while traveling back to the U.S. and it looked pretty neat. The best part is, you can keep it in your backpack and inflate it when needed. This particular product also received pretty positive reviews on Amazon.

I eventually decided not to bring them with me mainly because I was traveling alone with my toddler and there was just no extra room. However, if my husband can also join us and when my son gets a little older (when he is 4 or 5), I will certainly give it a try!

*****

Eventually, I used the old-school way to solve the sleeping problem. I raised the armrest, let my son lay his head in my lap and sort of lie down on his side. It was not ideal but it kind of worked. My son only managed to take two short naps (about 1.5 hours at a time), but it was good enough for me…

Below is another pie chart I made to showcase how much time my toddler son had spent doing his things on the 15-hour-long flight (when he was 2 and 3 years old). Again, hopefully it can help you stay prepared.

*****

Summer time means lots of fun and frequent traveling for kids, but it could be a headache for the parents. Hang it there and let’s try to survive this together 😉

The 5 Stages of Becoming a Mother That Every Mom Can Relate

I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple. To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.

The other day I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Holy cow! How familiar!! Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple – To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.

So here are the 5 stages of becoming a mother:

Stage 1 – Denial

“I am definitely not gonna become those messy moms who can’t even handle a baby.”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, a mom would walk into a nice boutique store and walk out with a pair of 4 inch high heels.

I was one of those girls who loved kids and started reading parenting blogs before I was pregnant. I thought I could do much better and totally master the art of parenting. I thought parenting should be something that would come natural to me and I will discipline my kid like a pro. When I was pregnant, I told myself that I wouldn’t give up my old self just because I had a child. Whenever I saw a “mom-looking” mother (you know what I mean), I said to myself that this was not someone I would become. I had a plan for how I could work from home while taking care of my baby. “How hard can it be?”, so I said to myself, “I will just work whenever my baby naps. Don’t they nap all the time?”

Well, Karma is a bitch. I became “those mothers” that I didn’t like…

Well, Karma is a bitch.

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Stage 2 – Anger

“Why is my baby so freaking hard to deal with?! I can’t do this anymore!!!”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms can’t even bear to think about the 4 inch high heels that they just bought at Stage 1.

It turned out that I wasn’t lucky enough to have an angel baby. More importantly, I was not nearly as capable as I had thought I would be. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and messy. Motherhood was nothing like what I had pictured. I hardly had any time to myself, let alone working from home. My normal life was gone and I was pretty upset about it. I was mad!

I was mad at myself for being too naive and I was even mad at my baby for being too hard to deal with. Mostly I was mad at the fact that I was helpless and not strong enough to handle everything like a pro. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could hardly recognize myself. I could see my old self fading away and I was scared…

Stage 3 – Bargaining

“Maybe I should read more parenting books and it will help. Maybe I will finally get my old self back when my baby is older.”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms are likely to stare at the 4 inch high heels they bought at Stage 1, just to appreciate their beauty and hoping they can finally wear them…soon…maybe for special occasions.

After a while, after I almost got used to my new norm, I started to wish for a miracle. Maybe I could still turn things around. I started to look for answers online, searching for parenting tips. I even made a spreadsheet of my baby’s feeding/sleep schedule, trying to find a pattern and solutions. But the final result was pretty disappointing. Babies are unpredictable and I was no super woman. My last hope of becoming a capable hot-looking young mom had pretty much gone. Real life struggles had burst my fancy bubbles.

Stage 4 – Depression

“My life is over…”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms would pack up their 4 inch high heels, give them away or sell them on eBay, thinking they would never own nice things again…

This phase didn’t last too long for me, but it almost crushed me. I didn’t feel like myself and I missed my old self so much. I missed how I was free to do anything I wanted at any time. I missed how I could sleep in on weekends, and watch late night movies with my husband without having to worry about a thing. I missed my old identity, my freedom and my old life. I didn’t like who I had become and I didn’t like the fact that I was not in complete control anymore. Being a mom was a 24/7 job and I was exhausted. I almost believed that my life was over…

Stage 5 – Acceptance

“I am no longer my old self, but I am a better person. I am a mother!”

Typical Symptom:

At this stage, moms would proudly walk into a mall and pick out the most comfortable (yet stylish) shoes they could find in 30 minutes, and rock it like a pro.

Things took a turn for the better when my little toddler ran to me, hugged me tightly and said he loved me for the first time. This emotion I felt at the moment was something I had never experienced before. This little man thought I was his world and loved me with his whole heart. It might sound cliché, but I felt like all the hardship I had gone through and all the sacrifices I had made were all worth it.

No, I am not my old self anymore and my life will never go back to the way it was. I still miss it sometimes. But I believe that I have become a better person now. Because of my son, I learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and patient toward others, especially the ones that needed help. I am more resilient, determined and courageous (I am not even that scared of bugs and public bathrooms any more…).

Honestly, I still hate being a mother sometimes. My kid still drove me crazy all the time. I complained a lot and I yelled at my kid once in a while (Go, yellers!). But I do love being a mother now. Motherhood might not be the best thing in the world but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Motherhood might not be the best thing in the world but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

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6 Things My One-Year-Old Toddler Did That Almost Drove Me Crazy

Toddlers are hands down 10 times worse than infants! They learned to reject, to defy and to whine…But they haven’t learned to communicate themselves yet. These are the perfect recipe for the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns…

The biggest challenges I had faced as a mother in my Second Year of Motherhood

This year is certainly the least-talked-about year. But I would say the second year of motherhood is not any easier. Many moms are prepared for the new mom struggles and “terrible twos”, but didn’t know much about what they would go through after their babies turn one year old.

So my baby turned one year old. He became a little human, not a chubby infant anymore. Of course, I thought it would get better. “At least he can understand better now!”, so I said to myself. Nope, it actually got worse. Toddlers are hands down 10 times worse than infants! They learned to reject, to defy and to whine…But they haven’t learned to communicate themselves yet. These are the perfect recipe for the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns…

But here is the silver lining: Although what you have been through with your one-year-old toddler could be a lot tougher than before, most of the problems with one-year-olds can actually be solved! (Unlike how it was in the first year, when you had to wait for your baby to slowly grow out of it most of the time).

Amongst all the challenges I had experienced in my second year of motherhood, the following 6 things were the worst that almost drove me crazy:

1. He turned into a super picky eater!

It definitely ranked #1 on my list. My son was a pretty good eater when he was just an infant. He started solid when he was 5.5 months old and almost ate everything we offered (except those he was allergic to). His favorite was actually vegetables, such as sweet peas, carrots or even green beans.

However, after he turned one, he started to drop everything one by one. There was no reasons, no signs. Just one day, all of a sudden, he refused to touch the sweet peas. Two weeks later, he refused to eat carrots. They always say to try everything when the kids were young so that they don’t turn into picky eaters. Well in my case this was far from the truth.

I could spend 30 minutes just to prep a small healthy meal for him, only to find the food lying on the floor, because when my son didn’t like them, he spit them out and threw them on the ground. He was a stubborn little man. I tried everything for him to eat healthy, but all failed. The most frustrating part was that I never knew what was going to happen. Because his favorite meal from yesterday could be something he hates today.

My Solution:

It was extremely hard to find a perfect solution to this problem. After trying everything, I realized that the most important “skill” parents need to have is patience, and the most effective “tricks” that actually worked are exposure, exposure AND EXPOSURE! Exposure means to always offer what adults eat to the child, include your child in meal-time conversations, and encourage your child to try something new even if he or she spits it out right away. Patience simply means that we should never give up. Keep in mind that kids might have sensory issues, but they will eventually grow out of it (given enough exposure). Also, I learned that electric toothbrushes actually helped; at least, it worked for my son. So it is also worth a try!

2. He was so easily frustrated!

One-year-old toddlers, especially the strong-willed ones, are extremely cranky and easily frustrated. Here are just a few of the reasons that might cause the frustrations:

(1) They now have needs more than just eat and sleep, which are harder for us to attend to.

(2) They often don’t know what they want, but only how they feel (such as being upset and unsatisfied).

(3) They are not able to communicate verbally.

(4) They have zero patience (due to lack of sense of time).

These needs and feelings combined could have made anyone frustrated, let alone one-year-old toddlers, who don’t know how to control their emotions at all.

My son used to get frustrated over every little things, or even sometimes over nothing, especially when he just woke up from his naps. He always woke up crying, after a peaceful two-hour-long nap. It was really hard to deal with him at that time, as I didn’t even know the cause of all those meltdowns. He could be very happy, but started to scream one minute later. Some of my parent friends even call it “terrible one”, because it was so terrible.

My Solution:

Well, dealing with one-year-old tantrums is very hard, as it is impossible to reason with them. However, we can try to avoid things that can possibly trigger the meltdowns (this might help but unfortunately not guaranteed to work.). First of all, any toddlers get cranky when they are tired or hungry. So make sure to feed them small snacks throughout the day and make sure they get enough sleep. Sticking to a fixed daily schedule might help. Second, do not overwhelm them by showing them too many options (i.e. if a shape sorter includes blocks with 9 different shapes, you can let your toddler to start with only 2 or 3 shapes). Third, do not interrupt when they work on something, but make sure to watch them and offer help whenever necessary. Last but not least, if they cry for no reasons (or for things that you can’t allow them to have), just distract them. There are many ways to distract a one year old, such as to point at something outside the window, bring him his favorite toys, or just blow some bubbles.

3. He got sick all the time…

My mom used to say, “when babies stop drinking breast milk, they start to get sick”. It was definitely the case for my son. It all started with running nose, coughs, then high fever to top it off. It got worse after I sent him to a part-time daycare after he turned 18 months. Putting him in daycare was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because my son had improved so much socially and academically after he started daycare. However, he also got sick a lot more often for the obvious reasons.

My son got RSV on his first day in daycare. It was the worst we had ever experienced as he had really high fever (104.5) and refused to eat or drink (probably due to sore throat or upset stomach). He got so dehydrated that we had to rush him to ER for IV. The second worst was hand-foot-and- mouth disease. His whole tongue was swelling up and he couldn’t eat anything. He got very frustrated as he didn’t know that his tongue was the problem, but thinking it was the food that hurt his tongue. It took a while for us to convince him to eat normally again after he recovered.

For a strong-headed one year old, it was hard for them to understand a lot of things. They didn’t even know what was “being sick”. All they could tell was they felt so uncomfortable and they hated it. They didn’t understand that in order to recover from the illness they had to go through certain procedures. It was hard to get them do anything: drink water, eat fruit, see doctor, get shots, drink medicine, or even sleep…seemed to be torture to them, and everything became a two-man job (i.e. one parent to hold him down, while the other feed him medicine, etc).

The worst part is that you don’t get to sleep anymore when they are sick. They felt extremely uncomfortable when they woke up in the middle of the night, mostly due to stuffy nose or sore throat. They could wake themselves up just by coughing, and then burst into tears. All of these were understandable, but so hard for parents to handle. So yea, it almost drove me crazy.

The worst part is that you don’t get to sleep anymore when they are sick.

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My Solution:

Getting sick is a natural process for immune system to mature. So technically it is not bad for our toddlers to get sick once in a while. But the process was such a drag that we of course want to prevent it from happening too often. What we can do is to make them drink plenty of water, eat plenty of fruits, and make sure to wash their hands often. On the other hand, we need to be prepared by stocking up the necessary over-the-counter medicines, such as fever reducer, saline and Pedialyte (for them to stay hydrated), to reduce their symptoms. If the room is too dry at night, make sure to turn on humidifier, which will help to ease a stuffy nose. Most importantly, we need to take care of ourselves, too. This was, however, easier said than done, as I unfortunately got the germs from my son almost every single time and it was not pretty…

4. Rough transition from 2 naps to 1 nap.

My son used to be a champion at napping before he turned one. Oh how I miss the precious freedom when he took two naps a day. He obviously doesn’t nap in the morning anymore. This is not even the worst part. The transition from 2 naps to 1 was the part that almost drove me crazy.

So one day, my then 15-month-old toddler took his morning nap and finished his lunch, but never wanted to lie down again for the afternoon nap. I tried everything, but he was just standing there in his crib. So I ended up taking him out of the crib, and played with him. After a couple of hours, my toddler appeared to be very tired, getting super fuzzy and cranky. So I put him to bed to nap at 4pm (huge mistake). He woke up at 6pm, fresh and excited, and of course refused to go to bed again at 7:30pm, which was his regular bedtime.

I thought it was just a one-time thing, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! It happened again and again. Then, I came to realization that maybe it was time to eliminate the morning nap all together.

It was definitely hard work to keep him awake till he finished his lunch. For any strong-willed toddlers, being hungry and overtired at the same time was the number one reason for major uncontrollable tantrums. Plus he was a picky eater. It took so much energy out of me just trying to stay calm. If this also happened to you, hang in there! We’ve all been there and this too shall pass.

My Solution:

The 3 keywords for the transition period to go a little smoother are: morning snacks, early nap, and early bedtime. I made sure he didn’t get hungry in the morning by adding one more morning snack. I also moved up his nap time from 1pm to 11:30am to make sure he was not overtired before nap. Sometimes, I fed him a big snack around 11am (such as yogurt or cheese sticks), and put him straight to bed. Then after he woke up from nap in the early afternoon, I would feed him his late “lunch”. After keep adjusting for over a week, I managed to get by with this new schedule: Lunch at 11am and nap at 11:30am. Because he skipped morning nap, sometimes his afternoon nap could last for 3 to 3.5 hours. The best part was I finally got to move his bedtime up to 7pm, as he would be actually tired by then. Hallelujah!

3 keywords for a smooth transition from 2 naps to 1: morning snacks, early nap, early bedtime

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5. The reckless little guy can no longer be contained.

It was so cute and sweet to see my son taking his first steps, but starting from that moment, my life as a mother was turned upside down. This little guy became mobile and can’t be contained anymore. (This can happen before they turn one, but for my son it happened after he became a willful one-year-old toddler.)

They don’t understand what danger is, so they want to touch anything or eat anything they touch. They would charge to the middle of the street just to pick up a piece of leaf. They could open all the drawers in your house and take everything out. Some can even open the doors and just wander out of the room. They want to be out and about all the time. Unfortunately, chilling-at-home is no long an option for them.

This sometimes happened right after they can crawl. But trust me, walking independently and crawling are completely different stories!

My Solution:

Baby proof everything is definitely one of the obvious solutions. Make sure the drawers can’t be opened easily and the outlets are covered. Pack all your loose items away as they are choking hazard. Install large baby playpens (play yards) or baby gates to prevent your toddlers from wandering into the bathroom or kitchen. You can find a lot of articles online with tips to thoroughly baby proof your house. Personally, I believe that I should try to never let my one year old out of my sight. You just don’t know what could happen when you are not around. But when I needed a break, I would put him in his play yard and gave him his favorite toys (this unfortunately didn’t work for me 60% of the time, see #6 below). In addition, make sure to always buckle them in the stroller when you walk through a busy area with lots of cars. Let them run free in a safe area, but again always keep a close distance and don’t let them wander out of your sight.

6. He became super clingy and scared of strangers.

If you think the upside of toddlers being mobile is that they can be more independent, you will be disappointed. Yes, they would try to run away from you all the time when you are watching them. However, just as you needed some time to yourself and wanted to take a break, they would turn into some clingy whiny babies who just wanted to cuddle with mommy.

I still remember that night, when I needed to make dinner for him, I put him in his play yard (packed with toys), thinking he would be happy to play by himself for 20 minutes. We have an open kitchen, so I could see him just fine and he could see me as well from his play yard. But instead of playing peacefully by himself, he stood by the gate, staring at me while crying his lungs out. I thought he was being unreasonable, as I already spent a whole day with him, so I just let him cry for a couple of minutes. But he somehow managed to cry so hard that he puked…I know I sound like a mean mother, but at that moment, I was so frustrated!

Also after he turned one, he apparently got smarter, knowing me and daddy were different from the other adults, who can be a threat. As a result, he developed stranger anxiety and got very scared of anyone other than me and my husband. It took as long as 30 minutes just for him to warm up and sometimes even longer. According to experts, this is a sign of healthy bond between a child and the parents. But as parents, we also felt frustrated as our child became a scaredy-cat and couldn’t even enjoy himself very much in public settings.

My Solution:

As all of this being a sign of healthy mother-child bond, I didn’t really want to “toughen him up” by pushing him away at this age. So the only solution here was to take him with me everywhere, and to ensure him that mommy loves him and wasn’t going to leave him alone. I put him in a highchair and moved him to the kitchen so that he could see me cooking. I even took him with me to the bathroom when I needed to go. I took him outside every day and encouraged him to play with the kids in the neighborhood. I also brought him to “mommy & me” classes to social with other kids right by my side. This meant zero me time for myself whenever he was awake (except when he was at daycare part-time, thank god!), but at least I knew it was good for him to build confidence, also it led to less tears and meltdowns.

My only solution was to take him with me everywher…even the bathroom.

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My son is 3 years old now and we certain have come a LONG way. In the past 3 years I have experienced and grown so much as a mother and as a person, that I feel obligated to share what I have learned with all of the strong headed mommies out there, who have had the same struggles. I have planned to write about “Mommy’s Biggest Challenges” in 3 parts, and this is the second part. So please stay tuned for the third part. I will be writing about how I dealt with my strong-headed boy and his “terrible two”. :p

If you are interested, here is the 1st part of the series:

8 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Became A First-Time Mom

Why Working Moms Struggle with Work-Life Balance?

In fact, the pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.

Parenting lesson I learned from the Project Management Triangle.

When I became a new mom three years ago, I came across an online video in which the PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi (now ranked #11 on Forbes’ Power Women’s list) claimed “Women can’t have it all”. It was shocking to me at that time as I had always heard inspiring stories about how women nowadays can have successful career and a loving family at the same time. But as time goes by, the more experience I have as a stay-at-home mother, which is as demanding as a full time job, the more I can understand why Indra Nooyi, one of the most successful working mothers, claimed she could NOT have it all. Her message wasn’t a negative one.

***In fact, the pressure of “having it all”* *is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.***

The pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle

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The Project Management Triangle

In project management, there is a triangle theory – All projects are carried out under constraints. Cost, Time and Quality are the three constraints that the project owner cares the most about. In a perfect world, you would like to finish a project with minimal cost, minimal time and the highest quality. However, in real world this scenario doesn’t exist. You can only pick two out of the three, which means you can’t have it all.

As parents, we all know that the process of good parenting is very similar to project management, or even a harder task to be done properly. So if we apply the project management triangle to parenting, here is what we have:

The Parenting Triangle

Basically in the Parenting Triangle, you will see four possible parenting options:

1) Little Time & Low Cost = Unhappy Children

In this scenario, the parents just don’t have time for their kids and also can’t afford (or not willing) to invest in childcare and education. According to the parenting triangle, this directly results in low quality, which is something we definitely don’t want to see in parenting. Sometimes, miracle happens and the children turn out to be great people. But in most cases, kids might end up having problems academically or socially. As parents, we try everything we can to avoid this scenario, which is one of the key reasons for stress. If both parents have to work long hours to make ends meet, they would have to ask family and friends to contribute their time to take care of the children, but at the same time try everything they can to make sure that the little time they get to spend with their children is positive and engaging.

2) Great Children & Low Cost = Less Time for Career

Every parent knows that spending quality time with your children is the most beneficial thing you can do for them. If you can’t afford expensive childcare or education, or you want to contribute your extra allowance to savings or financial investments, the best you can invest in parenting is your time. In order to form a healthy bond with your children, spending QUALITY TIME is the key. Quality time requires dedication, not just hours of sitting around watching TV or swiping the phones. It takes a lot of energy and thinking, which is as demanding as working a full time job. As everyone only has 24 hours a day, the more time you invest in parenting, the less you can spare in your career, hence the work-life balance dilemma. Many parents opt to take less demanding jobs or become a stay-at-home parent for this reason, which means they have to put their precious career on hold. The others choose to focus on their career, which leads to the third scenario:

3) Great Children & Little Time = Costly Parenthood

This scenario applies to parents who are very career oriented and spend most of their time on their career. They tend to have higher income and are willing to invest financially in top-notch childcare and education. As we all know, quality time spent with children is crucial in parenting. However, if done right, outstanding childcare or education facilities can help to achieve something similar. What’s lacked here, though, is the emotional bond that children need to build with their parents by spending quality time together. So again, this option isn’t ideal either.

4) “Have it all” = Overwhelmed by Guilt and Stress

This option doesn’t exist in project management triangle, but parents, especially women, expect themselves to make it happen and do the impossible. If this is ever your expectation, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. This is where the problem lies and this is exactly why the working parents, especially working moms, are always so stressed every day!

Why Do Moms Struggle More Than Dads?

Some may ask, if “having it all” is a myth for both parents, why do we often hear about stories of struggling working moms, not dads?

1) Maternal instincts and children’s special bond with mothers.

The PepsiCo CEO, Indra Nooyi, said in her interview that her mother told her “You might be the President of PepsiCo, but in this house, you are a mother”. This mindset might sound outdated (or even sexist), but is it really an entirely biased statement? As mothers, our maternal instincts tell us that we need to love and care for our children, and the children also need their mother’s love the most. That’s why my son loves to play with his daddy all the time, but only wants me when he got sick or got hurt. The natural bond between a mother and a child is undeniable. It doesn’t matter how successful you are at work, when you come home, you are the loving mother that your children need. This is the exact reason almost all working mother feel guilty about spending too much time and energy at work, hence the struggle!

2) Conflict between the nature of motherhood and workplace expectations.

At workplace, people are expected to stay focused, dedicated and on top of what they do. While parenthood should be shared responsibility between fathers and mothers, naturally females are designed to dedicate more in caring for their children. Mothers are the ones to carry the baby for 9 months, give birth to the child and sometimes breastfeed for as long as a year (or longer). All of these demanding responsibilities are physically and psychologically draining. In order to perform professionally at work, the mothers face greater challenges than fathers, while carrying the guilt of not being able to be there all the time for their children.

3) Social expectation for mothers.

No matter how progressive a society becomes, people always expect mothers to be the contact person for the children related activities (probably due to our superior interpersonal skills and communication skills, just saying…). When a child has an accident or gets sick at school, the mother is most likely the first person the school would call. Whenever there is a play date or an event at school, in most cases mothers ended up attending, not the fathers. Nowadays, women fight for equal rights and are very independent and driven. But in the mean time they are also expected to be on top of everything that’s related to their kids. They often strive to establish a superwomen image, meaning they are strong enough to do it all and have it all. The mindset of doing the impossible is the main reason why so many strong working moms struggle every day.

So what can we do to reduce our stress level, and gain confidence both at home and at work?

1) Embrace the fact that “We CAN NOT have it all”.

It is hard for a lot of working moms to do, but accepting the fact is the first step everyone needs to take. We are all human and we don’t have super powers. Let’s keep it real! Don’t force ourselves to do the impossible. Let go the unrealistic expectation and stop holding onto the guilt that comes with it.

Some people may say that many moms get to have a pretty decent career and still manage to spend quality time with their kids, so this is not something impossible. However, just like what’s been shown in the Parenting Triangle, this is not “having it all”. This is called “making sacrifices”.

2) Understand the inevitability of making sacrifices.

There is no way that anyone can be a perfect parent and also have a perfect career at the same time. We have to make sacrifices as we go.

If you need to prioritize your career, it means you would have to spend less time with your children. Is it ideal? No! But by working hard, you can invest more in your kids’ education. You become a role model in achieving goals, and you are happier as a person, which is also very beneficial for your children.

If you want to spend more time with your children, it means you might not achieve as much as you potentially can at work. Is it ideal? No! But your children will have healthy bond with you and gain confidence from it.

As mothers, we just need to clearly understand the priority of our lives and learn the importance of making choices, which come with sacrifices. Once the decisions are made, we should focus on the positive impacts that come with our decisions, instead of the things that we will be missing out.

3) Ask for help!

For working moms, the biggest struggle comes with major conflicts between work and life. When you need to be on an emergency business trip while your spouse is also away, or when you need to be in an important meeting soon but the school called to let you know your kid was sick, you definitely need some help to sort things out. If possible, you can ask your extended family to help and have a support system to contribute time or even funds for childcare. If no families live near, you might need to have a list of reliable babysitters on hand for emergencies. This of course shouldn’t replace parents’ responsibility, but the extra support can give you peace of mind knowing your children will be in good hands no matter what.

4) Use the “X Factor” in parenting: Attention and Love

As much as we see the similarity between parenting and project management, there is something very different between them, which is our love for the children. This can be regarded as an “X Factor” in the Parenting Triangle, to make things a little more flexible. A recent study showed that quality of time is more important than quantity of time you get to spend with your kids. It is not to say that quantity is not important. My take away from the research is that whenever you have time to spend with your children, make sure to pay attention and make them feel loved. On the other hand, also make sure to love yourself and try not to stress out about not being able to spend enough time with your children. The research showed that “mothers’ distress is related to poor outcomes for their children”, which is counterproductive to what you wanted. So it is also very important to find time for yourself and love yourself.

“Love your children and love yourself.”

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The working mommies are the most courageous and loving people on earth. You deserve better than the unnecessary guilt and unrealistic expectations to do it all and have it all. Love your children and love yourself. You are the best!!!

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Today I Almost Lost My Child…

In a dark room of the local aquarium, you looked at your phone for 2 seconds and soon realized that you don’t see your child around anymore. You couldn’t spot him anywhere in the room, you panicked and your brain froze.

What I learned from this traumatic experience.

If you are a parent, try to imagine this: In a dark room of the local aquarium, you looked at your phone for 2 seconds and soon realized that you don’t see your child around anymore. You couldn’t spot him anywhere in the room, you panicked and your brain froze. The worst case scenarios started to play again and again in your head as you were running around like a maniac, calling your child’s name. The whole experience felt like a nightmare.

I’ve seen it on TV, in the movies, or on the news, but I have never ever thought this could have happened to me. Because, I am a helicopter mom. I am so cautious and careful that I always kept my two-year-old son under my wings. But today it happened. It was the worst nightmare that any parents could ever have experienced. I was lucky that I found him eventually, but I still couldn’t live with the fact that I actually let this happen under my watch. After hours of replaying the horrific moments in my head and regretting and feeling guilty for not being a good mother to my young child, I slowly calmed down and started to think about what I can learn from this accident, and how to prevent it from happening again. I learned two things from what I had experienced today: First, never say never! Second, do not over protect a child.

1) Never Say Never!

My son is very shy with strangers and is usually overly cautious. He was never like the other boys who always run around in public, because those places are filled with strangers. I took my son out to do activities all the time, usually all by myself. He always followed me as we walk and even if he ran ahead of me, he would always stop and check to see if I was there. So I thought I knew my son really well and he would never run off to a strange place without me.

What I forgot was how fast toddlers grow. Their little brains are developing every day, which is why their eating, sleeping or social habits could change overnight. Today happened to be the day that he decided to explore a new place without me. That’s why we should never assume that we know our kids 100%. We need to adapt as fast as they develop, always keep an open mind, expect something new to happen any minute, stay flexible and learn from the past. After what happened today, if I have to ever look away from my child again in public locations, I would make sure to keep one of my hands on my child, because you never know!

2) Do NOT over protect a child.

This might sound contradicting to what I had addressed above. I almost lost my child due to 2 seconds of neglect and now I want to advice others NOT to over protect a child? Yes, I am not out of my mind and I said it for a reason. Tonight before I put my son to bed, I tucked him in and asked him, “Were you scared when you didn’t see me at the aquarium today?” He smiled and said he was not scared. I looked at him in the eyes and said, “Well mommy was so scared today, because I thought I had lost you!” His expression changed immediately from smiling to frowning, and looked very confused. I was a little shocked by his reaction and continued, “In the future, can you promise mommy not to run away without me?” He looked very concerned and nodded.

“Do NOT over protect a child.”

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This hit me! I didn’t know that the possibility of getting lost in touch with mommy never occurred to him. My son is a very happy and outgoing child when he is around people he loves, but he needs extremely long time to warm up to strangers. So I did everything I could to make him believe that the world was a safe place and everyone was friendly, in order for him to feel protected and less scared in social settings. But this somehow backfired today. In his eyes, I am a superwomen and even if he doesn’t see me around, I would always go back to get him. For instance, when he didn’t want to leave a toy store empty-handed, it never worked when I “threatened” him that I was gonna leave without him, because he knew I was bluffing. He was very confident and a little bit too confident with my ability to protect him from the world, because I was always with him every step of the way (except when he was in daycare three days a week) and I am a protective mother. The accident that happened today was such a wake-up call. It made me realize that my eyes can’t be always on him 24 hours a day. As young as two years old, he needs to know that mommy can make mistakes, mommy is only human. And most importantly, he needs to learn to protect himself (i.e. In the case of going out to public places, he needs to be more aware of my whereabouts and not to run off without me).

Parenting is hard and the more I experience it first hand, the more I understand how important it is not to judge the other parents for their mistakes. The fact is we are not living in a perfect world. As parents, we need to be fully aware of this and accept the fact. At the same time, we need to teach our children how to survive in this imperfect world on their own.

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An Open Letter to the “Perfect Parents”

…I decided to address this issue in an open letter for the “perfect parents” to understand why for most of us things aren’t perfect in the parenting world, and the least you can do is to judge.

My thoughts after the interrupted BBC interview went viral.

Last Friday, I was browsing through Facebook on my phone as usual. Suddenly this funny video popped up in my feed and cracked me up. A professor was doing a live interview on BBC about the impeachment of the Korean president. Everything seemed like business as usual, until this little girl opened the door, approaching the professor in high spirit and dancing. The professor tried to stay professional while using his left hand to push the girl back from the webcam. While I thought things couldn’t get any funnier, her little brother quickly followed her sister and “rolled into” the room, followed by their mother, grabbing the kids, got them out of the room, and finally, the famous “reach” for the door. As a mother who always tried to work from home while taking care of my two year old, I loved how this video was unscripted, hilarious and just so real!! This is our life and it feels good to know that a highly respected professor, who gets to talk about serious political issues on BBC, also share the same struggle as us while trying to work from home. However, the fun kind of stopped as I stroll down to read the comments.

perfect parents social media comments — *Selected social media comments on the viral video*

These are only a few of the comments I found on different social media websites. Sadly, this was actually not surprising to me. Every time there was a parenting incident reported on the news, those “perfect parents” would jump in and quickly judging the parents, often started with phrases like “I would never…” or “If I were him/her…”. These parents (or parents wanna be) are just so confident that they would’ve handled the same situation perfectly, or at least better than the parents they see on the news. I have to say that before I was a mother, I had been one of them, the “perfect parents”. I might not have actually said or written anything, but I definitely had the same judgmental thoughts. I thought I was so rational and cautious that I would treat and educate my kid in the most perfect way. But little did I know what it takes to be a good mother. Especially, parenting a spirited child isn’t as easy as step 1, 2, 3. This eye-opening experience changed how I see the world, so I decided to address this issue in an open letter for the “perfect parents” to understand why for most of us things aren’t perfect in the parenting world, and the least you can do is to judge.

Dear “Perfect Parents”,

I know that you are always observant, rational and critical. You are always so together that nothing has slipped through on your watch. You may have raised a couple kids and they always listen to you and behave like you wanted them to be. You think you know everything about parenting or at least enough for you to be a good parent. And most importantly, you care about other kids. You care so much that (A) You have to offer advice to other parents, so that they could do a better job; or (B) You are afraid that something horrible would happen to your kids, so you have to say the “right thing” out loud to remind yourself and feel better. I know, I’ve been there and I was one of you. But everything changed after I became a mother of a strong willed child. I would never judge another parent just because something happened to a kid, or just because I witnessed a kid’s seem-to-be-troubled behavior, without trying to understand the background stories first. Here are my reasons:

1) Maybe you saw the worst side of the story.

So you saw this professor handling the live TV emergency on BBC improperly and immediately jumped into conclusion that he was not a capable or loving daddy. “He should’ve locked the door” someone commented. Yes he should’ve. But little did you know that he had been doing live TV interviews for 6 years and this was the only time he forgot to lock the door. “He should’ve just picked the girl up and acknowledge the cute family” someone else said. Yes he could’ve. However he was just a professor who never got trained properly to handle emergencies on live TV. At that moment all he thought about was to finish his job as professionally as he could. If you got a chance to watch the “sequel” of the interrupted BBC interview, you would see a loving pair of parents trying to stay sane during an interview while two young cranky kids crawling around them. This is life. This is us! Toddlers are unpredictable, especially the spirited ones. When you see an incident happening, try to remember that it could just be a bad day or one single isolated incident. Don’t you agree that it is too harsh to judge another fellow parent simply base on one thing they did?

2) Because you never know if you can do better.

We all know that cookie-cutter parenting doesn’t work, because our kids are all different. Some are sweet and laid back, and others are stubborn and strong willed. Some are chatterboxes and others are quiet observers. Some parents may think that they have raised “good kids”, so they must have done a better job, hence they get to judge others who didn’t do the “right thing”. But this isn’t necessarily true. Maybe you are just lucky that you were blessed with kids who were naturally easy going and more understanding than others. Or, on the contrary, in the worst case scenario, maybe the kids only “behaved” because they were afraid to speak up against their parents, or they don’t even care to communicate, due to overly strict parenting. Of course, I am not speaking against parents who did great jobs parenting their children. I am working very hard myself to be one of them and I strongly believe that good parenting can directly affect a child’s personality, mental health, intelligent achievement and happiness in life. I am simply saying that every family has a unique story, so nobody is entitled to judge others simply because they think they did a better job or that they know better. Because you just never know!

3) Parenting is a 24/7 job and parents are only human.

“Parenting is a 24/7 job and parents are only human.”

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“Parents are children’s best teachers.” This is an old Chinese saying which I absolutely agree with. However, parents are not teachers. Teachers greet the students in the morning and see them off in the afternoon, then they are able to get off work and just go home. But parents can’t. The kids do not obey parents the same way as how they do at school. And parents can’t always stay focused the same way teachers do (I am talking about those responsible teachers here). So if occasionally we are not paying attention or not treating our children properly, it isn’t because we don’t love our children or we aren’t responsible parents. It is simply because we are human and we are tired, especially for those who work from home or the stay-at-home parents. We love our children so much that we are always on top of everything, wanting to make sure the kids are safe, healthy, well-educated and happy. When we are doing this on a 24/7 basis, it drained so much energy from us and sometimes we just need a break. A lot of times, the improper things, which you witnessed or heard about, happened exactly when we needed a break. Does it make us bad parent? I say not! On the contrary, we learn from our mistakes, get re-energized and become better parents.

Your fellow parent,

Strong Headed Mom

We often teach our kids to be compassionate and empathetic. And we, the parents, need to do exactly the same, learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, think and act objectively and responsibly. We all have made tremendous efforts to be good parents and there are so many bumps on the road that we can’t avoid. I really hope my fellow parents who are struggling and self-doubting to chin up and believe in what you’ve been doing. And I also hope the “perfect parents” out there to stop and think twice before you make any judgment on other parents again. We, the parents, are all in this together! 🙂

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