How I Survived Long-Haul Flights with My Toddler, 3 Times

Any adult would feel anxious about being stuck in a tiny seat on a plane for long hours, let alone young toddlers. Trust me, I know the struggle. I have survived a 15-hour flight alone with my son, not once, but three times! If you can survive a trip like this, any other voyage with your little ones will be as easy as a walk in the park.

Practical tips to survive a 15-hour flight with a toddler.

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Holiday Season is finally here, which means it’s time to travel and spend some quality time with family. Sounds fun? Well, probably not so much if you need to bring your trouble-making toddler with you. What’s worse, you need to keep your cranky toddler still in a tiny seat, without losing your sanity, for more than 5 hours (or even longer). Trust me, I know the struggle. I have survived a 15-hour flight alone with my son, not once, but three times!

Any adult would feel anxious about being stuck in a tiny seat on a plane for more than 10 hours, let alone young toddlers. If you can survive a trip like this, any other voyage with your little ones will be as easy as a walk in the park.

OK, so now I am going to share my story about how I survived three 15-hour flights alone with my toddler son.

First Time Experience – How I survived long-haul flight with my 1-year-old son

If your child is older, you may skip this part and read the 2nd part of my post: How I survived long-haul flight with my 2 year old toddler (and again when he turned 3)

Before I was a parent, whenever I saw young toddlers seated around me on a plane, I would immediately feel anxious, knowing I probably won’t be able to enjoy my flight. However, after I had my own child, it was the best feeling to know that I was not the only parent with young toddlers trapped on the plane for hours!

Why? Because babies cry on the plane. They literally cry over everything. So it is definitely better to have some other babies crying with my baby, then to be the only parent that takes all the blame, you know! 😛

Hurdle #1: Sleep

I am sure you have heard about this traveling tip saying “night-time flights are good for toddlers, as they can sleep for most of the time”. Well, I don’t know about your kids, but that’s definitely not the case for my son. The outcome was quite contrary to what I had expected:

When my son turned one year old, he was already too big to sleep in the in-flight baby bassinet. So I purchased a seat for him and took the infant car seat with me, hoping that he could sleep peacefully in his car seat for hours.

However, my plan didn’t work out as expected. My one-year-old son only slept in his seat for about 1 hour, then he wanted to roll over, and got stuck (obviously he was buckled in his car seat). So he woke up, only half-awake to be accurate, and started to scream…

In order to calm him down, I had to take him out of his car seat and just let him lie on my chest. That still didn’t work. So I started to rock him back and forth…This lasted for HOURS. He never slept soundly and almost was always half awake. I, of course, didn’t get to sleep at all during this trip.

So whoever tells you to book overnight flights for your baby to sleep is either delusional or super lucky to have an angel baby.

Tried and Failed:

Book night-time flight so the baby can sleep for most of the time.

Reason:

My then one-year-old son couldn’t sleep well anywhere except in his own crib. Night-time flight can be more stressful if baby can’t sleep well.

Hurdle #2: Eat

If you intend to survive a long-haul flight with a one year old, I highly recommend you to purchase a seat for your child (although it is not required for kids under 2). First of all, it is absolutely tiring to keep holding your baby on your lap for countless hours. Most importantly, it is impossible to eat your meal by your tiny tray table, if you have to hold your baby while doing so.

If your one year old is old enough to eat airplane food, good for you! Life is much easier. However, if your baby is still too young to eat the airplane food, or if you just want to feed your baby something tastier or healthier, here are a few of my tips to help you survive:

Put formula in small Ziploc bags or formula dispensers to bring them on the plane with you. I suggest asking flight attendant for bottled water as it is much cleaner. You can also use single-serve sized formula if you think it is easier for you.
Bring as many snacks as possible!! This is crucial in order for you to survive any long-haul flights. Two simple reasons: (1) Babies are at their worst when they are hungry; and (2) The more time your baby spends eating on the plane, the less time left for tantrums and meltdowns. You know what I mean!
Bring store-bought baby food. Here are a few of my favorites:

In addition to that, I have some other practical tips in regards of when to feed your baby:

Milk during take-offs and landings. This would help equalize the air pressure in their ears and decrease ear pain.
Solid food after you finish your meal. When it is meal time for yourself, simply secure your baby in his/her seat, finish your food first, then feed the baby. This should be the most hassle-free way to feed your baby on the plane, and your baby’s meal time is less likely to be interrupted.
Offer snack frequently in between. Remember, nutritional balance should be the least of your concern at this time. The rule of thumb is to try everything you can to keep your child calm and happy on the plane.

Hurdle #3: Bathroom

Usually, there is at least one lavatory with a diaper changing table on any international flights from the U.S. to another country across the oceans. (However, some domestic flights or short distance flights don’t offer diaper changing tables. You can find a list of airlines that offer diaper changing tables here.)

Before my trip, I had thought that everything was going to be fine because I could easily change my son on the changing table. Well, I couldn’t be more wrong.

My one year old apparently thought the bathroom on the plane was the scariest place in the world. He totally tensed up the second we walked into the bathroom, and started to scream from the bottom of his lung right after I put him down on the changing table.

He was not only screaming, but was fighting for his life. So I had to hold him down with one hand while changing him with the other hand. What’s worse, it was actually a poopy diaper…

So if your baby is easily scared like my son, be prepared for the struggle and the mess! Also, make sure to bring enough wipes and change of clothes (Don’t forget to prepare change of clothes for yourself too, just in case! You know…).

And for us adults, if you are alone with your toddler on the plane and don’t trust other passengers to watch over your child, it can also be a little tricky for you to use the bathroom.

If that’s the case for you, there are two ways to do it:

Ask flight attendant for help. Some flight attendants will be happy to watch your baby for a little while when you use the bathroom
Bring the baby with you. This is the only way to do it if your baby (like my son) doesn’t like strangers and/or have separation anxieties. I ended up using a baby carrier to carry him while using the toilet…It was not pretty and not easy. But as moms we do what we gotta do!

*****

When my baby was not sleeping or eating or getting his diapers changed, I would read a book, let him play with his favorite toys, or carry him and walk around. So it is extremely important to bring your baby carrier with you. I highly recommend Ergobaby 360. It is easy to use, the most comfortable and you can carry your baby forward facing in the best ergonomic seated position.Below is a pie chart I made to showcase how much time we had spent doing what we did on the 15-hour-long flight. Hopefully it can help you stay prepared.

Second Time Wasn’t Easier – How I survived long-haul flight with my 2 year old toddler (and again when he turned 3)

I thought I was a veteran after survived my first long-haul flight alone with my baby. However, only one year later, I realized that my experience from the past year didn’t help much. (Hello, terrible 2!) When my son turned 3, it was somewhat easier, but still quite similar to what I had experienced when he was 2. So I combined what I had learned into one category.

The biggest challenge I had to face, traveling with my 2 year old (or 3 year old) on a long-haul flight, was to keep him entertained in his tiny seat for over 10 hours, and at the same time, try not to disturb our neighbors…

So here are my 5 Survival Rules that I wanted to share with you:

Rule #1: Unlimited Screen Time

If you don’t allow your kids to watch TV on the plane, then my only advice will be: Brace yourself!

Really, if you want to survive a long-haul flight with any kid older than 2, you need to just let go of your screen time rules, and let them watch as much TV as they want.

When stuck on a plane with my toddler, my motto was: Anything he wants as long as he doesn’t disturb the others. If watching TV for 10+ hours can achieve that, then just let it be!

Me stuck on a plane with my kid: Anything he wants as long as he doesn’t disturb the others.

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If you allow your kid to watch TV on the plane (a.k.a. every mom who wants to stay sane), here are the two must-have products to make your life easier:

Large Ziploc Bag

With something as simple as a Ziploc bag, you can easily hang your smartphone or tablet on the tray table in from of your child. The best part is, the iPad will be on your young kid’s eye level, and you can swipe on top of the Ziploc bag too.

The bag really comes in handy when you need to put up your tray table during take-offs or landings. Also it won’t fall or shift during turbulence. And it is super cheap!

Headband Earphones

This headband earphone I found on Amazon was extremely useful. My son hated to wear anything on his head, but he loved this headband earphone. It is cute, comfortable, and it’s even volume limited so that it doesn’t get too loud. There are many other cute designs too, including unicorn, panda, frog, fox, bunny and more, Click this link to check it out.

Now, here is one thing to keep in mind. If you believe that as long as you let your toddler watch TV, the plane ride would go super smoothly, you will be disappointed. My son watched TV for so many hours that he even got bored from watching TV!!

In order to keep the entertainment experience fresh and appealing, I had to help him switch from seatback screen to iPad and switch between shows. The most annoying part during the whole process was that he liked to kept swiping and clicking randomly on the screen…

I told him to stop, of course. But after a couple of failed attempts, I just took a deep breath and let it go. The end of the day, as long as he didn’t disturb the other passengers (according to my motto), he can do whatever he wanted…

Rule #2: Mess-Free Play Time

In order to make sure my son doesn’t get sick of watching TV from non-stop cartoon marathons, I often suggested him to take a break and do something else. He usually agreed as it was tiring to keep watching TV for hours.

I tried to read to him but somehow it was hard for him to focus with all the noises on the plane. I also tried to show him one new toy at a time to keep him excited and engaged, but the toys I brought were too small, so it was somewhat boring and really easy to roll or fall to the ground. All of these made him even more anxious and frustrated, which was not good at all when you are on a 15-hour-long flight.

Tried and Failed:

Bring many small toys and take out one toy at a time to keep my child entertained.

Reason:

Small toys are not entertaining enough for young toddlers who are cranky and overtired from the long flight. What’s worse, it’s easy to lose them on the plane which can lead to major temper tantrums.

It turned out that the most entertaining and the most manageable activity for my son to do on the plane was to draw. So I discovered the following mess-free products that are the best for trips like this.

Washable Crayons

This is the most obvious option. First, it is washable. Second, crayons are much better then markers (we all know washable markers aren’t really that washable).

Color Wonder Mess Free Markers

These markers won’t color on skin, furniture or fabric and ONLY color on the special Color Wonder paper. So you don’t have to worry about the mess at all.

Melissa & Doug Water Wow Activity Pads

These pads truly make wonders. Your kids can use the refillable water pen to “color” on the pads. And the best part is, after the pages are dry, they can do it again!!

Rule #3: Best to Be Portable

If your 2 year old still uses diapers, then it could be comparatively hassle free. However if your toddler is potty trained, you know what’s coming your way!

Everyone knows that nobody can use the bathrooms during take-offs and landings. But when a toddler, especially a boy, needs to go, it means he REALLY needs to go! What usually makes it worse is that there is always a line when the bathroom is open for use. So accidents are very likely to happen on any plane rides.

However, I have found something portable you can use to make your life a little easier.

Portable Emergency Urinal

This magical invention saved my life. I think it was designed mainly for boys (for obvious reasons), but there is actually a version designed for girls, which you can try if you are curious. I used it not only on the plane, but also in the park and when he just started to potty train. A must have if you have a toddler boy!

Portable Potty for Travel

This potty is useful if you don’t want your toddler to sit directly on the dirty toilet in the lavatory. It is also handy for girls to use in emergency situations. You can easily fold it and put it in your backpack. A must have as well!!

Rule #4: Be Prepared For the Hyperactive Behaviors

Any toddlers over 2, especially boys, must have so much energy to burn. When confined to a small seat, they just can’t stay still.

My son is not considered an athletic kid, but the long-haul flight still managed to turn him into a hyperactive kid.

His in-flight “workout” routines includes but not limited to: Take out all of the magazines and cards from the seatback pouch in front of him and throw them on the floor; jump on his seat; drum roll on his tray table; open and shut the window blind, etc. I even saw some other kids constantly kicking the back of the seat in front of them (which I absolutely won’t allow if my boy ever tried to do this).

In order for my son not to disturb our neighbors, I tried everything I could to stop him. But we all know that there is only so much we can do when we are stuck on a plane, and most importantly, considering the unpleasant nature of long-haul flights, sometimes it is better for your toddler to jump than to scream…

Most of the time, I would just direct him back to his cartoons. But when even TV wasn’t enough, 5 minutes surely felt like an hour. At some point you would have to just look away and pretend the toddler belongs to someone else…

Rule #5: Better to Lay Flat

After traveling with my then one year old on a long-haul flight, I learned that it was not a good idea to confine him in a car seat, where he couldn’t sleep well. Actually since my first traumatic experience traveling with him on the plane, I didn’t expect him to sleep for long hours on the plane at all, due to his demanding sleeping habits (he needs plenty of legroom, sleep on stomach and keep rolling around).

In spite of the low expectation, I still wanted him to nap for a little bit. So I did some research, asked around and found the following two tools that might be really helpful:

JetKids

A friend of mine used JetKids during her long-haul flight with her one year old son and it worked decently. If you want to buy this for your next trip, please keep in mind that it is pretty bulky and not all airlines allow it. Please check with JetKids staff before you make any purchase, just to be safe.

Inflatable Travel Pillow/Bed/Footrest

I saw someone using this pillow on the plane while traveling back to the U.S. and it looked pretty neat. The best part is, you can keep it in your backpack and inflate it when needed. This particular product also received pretty positive reviews on Amazon.

I eventually decided not to bring them with me mainly because I was traveling alone with my toddler and there was just no extra room. However, if my husband can also join us and when my son gets a little older (when he is 4 or 5), I will certainly give it a try!

*****

Eventually, I used the old-school way to solve the sleeping problem. I raised the armrest, let my son lay his head in my lap and sort of lie down on his side. It was not ideal but it kind of worked. My son only managed to take two short naps (about 1.5 hours at a time), but it was good enough for me…

Below is another pie chart I made to showcase how much time my toddler son had spent doing his things on the 15-hour-long flight (when he was 2 and 3 years old). Again, hopefully it can help you stay prepared.

*****

Summer time means lots of fun and frequent traveling for kids, but it could be a headache for the parents. Hang it there and let’s try to survive this together 😉

The 5 Stages of Becoming a Mother That Every Mom Can Relate

I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple. To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.

The other day I came across an article talking about the “5 Stages of Grief” and it stroke me. Holy cow! How familiar!! Those were the exact stages I had to go through before I came to terms with the fact that motherhood had changed my life for good. The reason for the similarity was quite simple – To become a real mother, I had to say goodbye to my old self.

So here are the 5 stages of becoming a mother:

Stage 1 – Denial

“I am definitely not gonna become those messy moms who can’t even handle a baby.”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, a mom would walk into a nice boutique store and walk out with a pair of 4 inch high heels.

I was one of those girls who loved kids and started reading parenting blogs before I was pregnant. I thought I could do much better and totally master the art of parenting. I thought parenting should be something that would come natural to me and I will discipline my kid like a pro. When I was pregnant, I told myself that I wouldn’t give up my old self just because I had a child. Whenever I saw a “mom-looking” mother (you know what I mean), I said to myself that this was not someone I would become. I had a plan for how I could work from home while taking care of my baby. “How hard can it be?”, so I said to myself, “I will just work whenever my baby naps. Don’t they nap all the time?”

Well, Karma is a bitch. I became “those mothers” that I didn’t like…

Well, Karma is a bitch.

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Stage 2 – Anger

“Why is my baby so freaking hard to deal with?! I can’t do this anymore!!!”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms can’t even bear to think about the 4 inch high heels that they just bought at Stage 1.

It turned out that I wasn’t lucky enough to have an angel baby. More importantly, I was not nearly as capable as I had thought I would be. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and messy. Motherhood was nothing like what I had pictured. I hardly had any time to myself, let alone working from home. My normal life was gone and I was pretty upset about it. I was mad!

I was mad at myself for being too naive and I was even mad at my baby for being too hard to deal with. Mostly I was mad at the fact that I was helpless and not strong enough to handle everything like a pro. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could hardly recognize myself. I could see my old self fading away and I was scared…

Stage 3 – Bargaining

“Maybe I should read more parenting books and it will help. Maybe I will finally get my old self back when my baby is older.”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms are likely to stare at the 4 inch high heels they bought at Stage 1, just to appreciate their beauty and hoping they can finally wear them…soon…maybe for special occasions.

After a while, after I almost got used to my new norm, I started to wish for a miracle. Maybe I could still turn things around. I started to look for answers online, searching for parenting tips. I even made a spreadsheet of my baby’s feeding/sleep schedule, trying to find a pattern and solutions. But the final result was pretty disappointing. Babies are unpredictable and I was no super woman. My last hope of becoming a capable hot-looking young mom had pretty much gone. Real life struggles had burst my fancy bubbles.

Stage 4 – Depression

“My life is over…”

Typical Symptoms:

At this stage, moms would pack up their 4 inch high heels, give them away or sell them on eBay, thinking they would never own nice things again…

This phase didn’t last too long for me, but it almost crushed me. I didn’t feel like myself and I missed my old self so much. I missed how I was free to do anything I wanted at any time. I missed how I could sleep in on weekends, and watch late night movies with my husband without having to worry about a thing. I missed my old identity, my freedom and my old life. I didn’t like who I had become and I didn’t like the fact that I was not in complete control anymore. Being a mom was a 24/7 job and I was exhausted. I almost believed that my life was over…

Stage 5 – Acceptance

“I am no longer my old self, but I am a better person. I am a mother!”

Typical Symptom:

At this stage, moms would proudly walk into a mall and pick out the most comfortable (yet stylish) shoes they could find in 30 minutes, and rock it like a pro.

Things took a turn for the better when my little toddler ran to me, hugged me tightly and said he loved me for the first time. This emotion I felt at the moment was something I had never experienced before. This little man thought I was his world and loved me with his whole heart. It might sound cliché, but I felt like all the hardship I had gone through and all the sacrifices I had made were all worth it.

No, I am not my old self anymore and my life will never go back to the way it was. I still miss it sometimes. But I believe that I have become a better person now. Because of my son, I learned to be more compassionate, empathetic and patient toward others, especially the ones that needed help. I am more resilient, determined and courageous (I am not even that scared of bugs and public bathrooms any more…).

Honestly, I still hate being a mother sometimes. My kid still drove me crazy all the time. I complained a lot and I yelled at my kid once in a while (Go, yellers!). But I do love being a mother now. Motherhood might not be the best thing in the world but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Motherhood might not be the best thing in the world but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

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Thank you and Happy Parenting 😉 !!!

8 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Became A First-Time Mom

I am not going to talk about the long and painful labor, the countless tasks you need to do to take care of the baby or the infamous night feedings in your first year of motherhood. I am going to talk about something that usually nobody would tell you before you become a mom.

The biggest challenges I had faced as a mother in my First Year of Motherhood.

I read books about what to expect, went to classes to learn about it and I did enough online research. Yes, I thought I was extra prepared, until my baby was born.

1. I learned what “Sleep Like a Baby” actually means.

This widely used term can’t be more wrong. Unless your kid is an “angel baby”, you (like me and most of the moms out there) would know how babies actually sleep. They toss and turn, sometimes spin around. They make all kind of random noises and sounds, and sometimes scream from bottom of their lung (probably due to night terror, not hunger). Instead of just “falling asleep” when they are tired, they fuss and cry. They need to be rocked to sleep, but still wake up every 3 hours (or worse). It is already pretty bad when they are healthy, and try to imagine when they are sick and up all night…After I had to live with it for almost 2 years, I really wanted to tell everyone to stop using this term “sleep like a baby”, unless they know the truth and actually mean it!

2. Sleep deprivation on a Navy SEAL training level.

This is the direct result from #1, but it is nothing anyone can imagine until they have a baby. People always say “sleep when baby sleeps”, but that almost never worked. Because there are so many other things to be done, when baby sleeps. The worst part is that babies always cry when you are just about to fall asleep, and you have to pull yourself right up. The intensity I would say is about the same as Navy SEAL training. Well, even the toughest people on earth couldn’t handle lack of sleep. According to a ABC interview, “a former Navy SEAL, said he survived for three days on no sleep before the hallucinations started to set in”…“While SEAL training didn’t break him, he was almost brought down by the chronic sleep deprivation”. So all I can say is, we, the mommies, should cut ourselves some slack when we are not able to be 100% for our babies. Because as tough as how we are, the struggle of sleep deprivation is real and it is brutal.

3. Breastfeeding and burping can take FOREVER and it was exhausting.

I am sure, as a first time mom, you are prepared for the hardship that comes with breastfeeding: the latching, painful engorgement, plugged duck and mastitis, just to name a few. Yes, I was mentally prepared for all of that. But I forgot about one thing that later troubled me the most: The LONG process of feeding, burping, pumping and repeat.

In the first couple months, my baby drank very slowly. It took a little over 1 full hour for him to finish drinking from both sides. During this hour, I couldn’t do anything, because my sensitive baby would stop drinking if I talked or moved…After feeding, he needed to be burped. It was very hard to burp him (No, a couple of patting on the back didn’t work for him), which took about another 15 minutes. Then I had to pump. Because if I don’t, the thick milk I produced would clog my milk duck which led to mastitis (happened 4 times). Pumping took about another 20 minutes. And after I finished pumping, it was about time to feed my baby again.

I felt like I was just some milk producing machine and all I did was feeding, burping and pumping. The whole process was very long and exhausting, especially when I needed to do it over and over again. It certainly got better after a couple of months, but it was hard while it lasted.

4. Jaundice, Cradle Cap, Reflux, Gas, Eczema

I hadn’t heard of most of these medical terms before, but became very familiar with them after I had my baby. These were not major health concerns, but really was a big part of my life in my first year of motherhood. I thought as long as I took care of him carefully, he would be a healthy baby. Boy was I wrong! My son was born very healthy, but somehow started to have all of those newborn conditions mentioned above. The worst of all was gassy tummy and eczema. He was a little colicky and got gassy very often, almost cried every time after feeding and needed to be held constantly. Also he had eczema all over his face, arms and legs (I later found out that allergy was the cause). It was so itchy that he would scratch all the time. I had to put mittens on his hands, trim his nails every other day and apply Aquaphor continuously for him to not hurt himself. But he still scratched himself to bleed all the time. Those newborn conditions come and go on their own, and most of the time there is not much we can do about it. I often felt very helpless at those moments, and wished that I had learned about those conditions beforehand.

5. Babies are unpredictable, not to even mention those regressions…

I used to be someone who wanted everything to be under control. So after I became a mom, I always got anxious, as most of the things I did daily became unpredictable. Feeding and sleeping schedule was not consistent. Various newborn health conditions started to surface. I almost ran out of breast milk at one point. I never knew if I could get a decent 3-hour of sleep as my son could wait up any time at night. I can go on and on if I have time, but you get the idea. What’s worse was all the “regressions”. He could be finally sleeping for a 5 hour stretch, but one day back to square one. As someone who always planned ahead, I felt like losing control on everything. This kind of lifestyle was completely foreign to me. I had always been uptight for most of my life, but after I became a mother I had to learn to be flexible and just let go. This was absolutely one of the biggest adjustments I had to make as a first time mom.

6. The magical “Maternal Instinct” doesn’t always kick in.

For me, it almost never did. After a 25-hour-long-no-epidural-painful labor, I was so exhausted that the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep. Maybe that’s why the “motherly love” didn’t rush in at that moment. In the following weeks, I was 100% occupied by all the newborn baby duties, while the most needed magical “mother’s instinct” still didn’t kick in. I was tired, overwhelmed, confused and felt trapped. If you were like me, please know that you are not alone! According to a UK study,

“more than half of women were surprised to find they suffered a complete knock in confidence because they didn’t know what they were doing.”

Here are some of the key findings from the study:

The findings from the study were not shocking to me at all, as that was exactly how I felt as a new mom. The fact that I brought my child to this world didn’t automatically make me a loving mother. I worked very hard to improve my parenting skills, to build the bond between me and my boy. I managed to adjust my lifestyle and planned everything around my kid’s needs. I learned to be a mother, and I earned my kid’s trust and love.

7. It can be hard on husbands too.

Husbands can be very supportive throughout our entire pregnancy and labor, but then turn into someone else after our babies are born. Just like us, the new moms, our husbands can never be prepared enough for what’s coming for them. I always believe that deep down the ladies are always stronger and more resilient than men, who are just children at heart until they become fathers. Fatherhood is something that would force our husbands grow from boys to men. In the very beginning, new dads are often overwhelmed, stressed or even depressed. Give them some time, initiate conversations about how we feel about the changes, give them a gentle push with encouragements, and they will become the partner you always wanted in this difficult yet fulfilling journey of parenthood. One thing to keep in mind: father and children bond through spending time together. So the best way for them to get used to the new role of being a father is to share baby duties. Practice makes perfect 😉

8. Everything is just a phase and it DOES get better!

When we vent about our baby problems, we often hear veteran moms telling us “it gets better”. Is it true, though? Well it might sound vague and hard for struggling new moms to relate, but it IS the truth. Babies’ growth consists of countless of phases. In spite of all the regressions and setbacks, they will grow out of the phases that you are currently struggling with. It is not something that other moms say to make you feel better. We learned from our experiences and it is proven to be true. Just remember, everyone eventually sleeps through the night. They will crawl, walk, talk and hit all the milestones. Different babies develop at different paces and rushing never works. When you are at the verge of going crazy, just take a deep breath, and tell yourself that, “This is just another phase and this too shall pass!”

This is just another phase and this too shall pass!

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My son is 3 years old now and we certain have come a LONG way. In the past 3 years I have experienced and grown so much as a mother and as a person, that I feel obligated to share what I have learned with all of the strong headed mommies out there, who have had the same struggles. I have planned to write about “Mommy’s Biggest Challenges” in 3 parts, and this is the first part. I have already published the 2nd part and I’ll be writing about how I dealt with my strong-headed boy and his “terrible two” in the 3rd part of the series. So please stay tuned . :p

If you are interested, here is the 2nd part of the series:

6 Things My One-Year-Old Toddler Did That Almost Drove Me Crazy

Why Working Moms Struggle with Work-Life Balance?

In fact, the pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.

Parenting lesson I learned from the Project Management Triangle.

When I became a new mom three years ago, I came across an online video in which the PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi (now ranked #11 on Forbes’ Power Women’s list) claimed “Women can’t have it all”. It was shocking to me at that time as I had always heard inspiring stories about how women nowadays can have successful career and a loving family at the same time. But as time goes by, the more experience I have as a stay-at-home mother, which is as demanding as a full time job, the more I can understand why Indra Nooyi, one of the most successful working mothers, claimed she could NOT have it all. Her message wasn’t a negative one.

***In fact, the pressure of “having it all”* *is what caused the struggle that most of the working mothers are facing every day.***

The pressure of “having it all” is what caused the struggle

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The Project Management Triangle

In project management, there is a triangle theory – All projects are carried out under constraints. Cost, Time and Quality are the three constraints that the project owner cares the most about. In a perfect world, you would like to finish a project with minimal cost, minimal time and the highest quality. However, in real world this scenario doesn’t exist. You can only pick two out of the three, which means you can’t have it all.

As parents, we all know that the process of good parenting is very similar to project management, or even a harder task to be done properly. So if we apply the project management triangle to parenting, here is what we have:

The Parenting Triangle

Basically in the Parenting Triangle, you will see four possible parenting options:

1) Little Time & Low Cost = Unhappy Children

In this scenario, the parents just don’t have time for their kids and also can’t afford (or not willing) to invest in childcare and education. According to the parenting triangle, this directly results in low quality, which is something we definitely don’t want to see in parenting. Sometimes, miracle happens and the children turn out to be great people. But in most cases, kids might end up having problems academically or socially. As parents, we try everything we can to avoid this scenario, which is one of the key reasons for stress. If both parents have to work long hours to make ends meet, they would have to ask family and friends to contribute their time to take care of the children, but at the same time try everything they can to make sure that the little time they get to spend with their children is positive and engaging.

2) Great Children & Low Cost = Less Time for Career

Every parent knows that spending quality time with your children is the most beneficial thing you can do for them. If you can’t afford expensive childcare or education, or you want to contribute your extra allowance to savings or financial investments, the best you can invest in parenting is your time. In order to form a healthy bond with your children, spending QUALITY TIME is the key. Quality time requires dedication, not just hours of sitting around watching TV or swiping the phones. It takes a lot of energy and thinking, which is as demanding as working a full time job. As everyone only has 24 hours a day, the more time you invest in parenting, the less you can spare in your career, hence the work-life balance dilemma. Many parents opt to take less demanding jobs or become a stay-at-home parent for this reason, which means they have to put their precious career on hold. The others choose to focus on their career, which leads to the third scenario:

3) Great Children & Little Time = Costly Parenthood

This scenario applies to parents who are very career oriented and spend most of their time on their career. They tend to have higher income and are willing to invest financially in top-notch childcare and education. As we all know, quality time spent with children is crucial in parenting. However, if done right, outstanding childcare or education facilities can help to achieve something similar. What’s lacked here, though, is the emotional bond that children need to build with their parents by spending quality time together. So again, this option isn’t ideal either.

4) “Have it all” = Overwhelmed by Guilt and Stress

This option doesn’t exist in project management triangle, but parents, especially women, expect themselves to make it happen and do the impossible. If this is ever your expectation, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. This is where the problem lies and this is exactly why the working parents, especially working moms, are always so stressed every day!

Why Do Moms Struggle More Than Dads?

Some may ask, if “having it all” is a myth for both parents, why do we often hear about stories of struggling working moms, not dads?

1) Maternal instincts and children’s special bond with mothers.

The PepsiCo CEO, Indra Nooyi, said in her interview that her mother told her “You might be the President of PepsiCo, but in this house, you are a mother”. This mindset might sound outdated (or even sexist), but is it really an entirely biased statement? As mothers, our maternal instincts tell us that we need to love and care for our children, and the children also need their mother’s love the most. That’s why my son loves to play with his daddy all the time, but only wants me when he got sick or got hurt. The natural bond between a mother and a child is undeniable. It doesn’t matter how successful you are at work, when you come home, you are the loving mother that your children need. This is the exact reason almost all working mother feel guilty about spending too much time and energy at work, hence the struggle!

2) Conflict between the nature of motherhood and workplace expectations.

At workplace, people are expected to stay focused, dedicated and on top of what they do. While parenthood should be shared responsibility between fathers and mothers, naturally females are designed to dedicate more in caring for their children. Mothers are the ones to carry the baby for 9 months, give birth to the child and sometimes breastfeed for as long as a year (or longer). All of these demanding responsibilities are physically and psychologically draining. In order to perform professionally at work, the mothers face greater challenges than fathers, while carrying the guilt of not being able to be there all the time for their children.

3) Social expectation for mothers.

No matter how progressive a society becomes, people always expect mothers to be the contact person for the children related activities (probably due to our superior interpersonal skills and communication skills, just saying…). When a child has an accident or gets sick at school, the mother is most likely the first person the school would call. Whenever there is a play date or an event at school, in most cases mothers ended up attending, not the fathers. Nowadays, women fight for equal rights and are very independent and driven. But in the mean time they are also expected to be on top of everything that’s related to their kids. They often strive to establish a superwomen image, meaning they are strong enough to do it all and have it all. The mindset of doing the impossible is the main reason why so many strong working moms struggle every day.

So what can we do to reduce our stress level, and gain confidence both at home and at work?

1) Embrace the fact that “We CAN NOT have it all”.

It is hard for a lot of working moms to do, but accepting the fact is the first step everyone needs to take. We are all human and we don’t have super powers. Let’s keep it real! Don’t force ourselves to do the impossible. Let go the unrealistic expectation and stop holding onto the guilt that comes with it.

Some people may say that many moms get to have a pretty decent career and still manage to spend quality time with their kids, so this is not something impossible. However, just like what’s been shown in the Parenting Triangle, this is not “having it all”. This is called “making sacrifices”.

2) Understand the inevitability of making sacrifices.

There is no way that anyone can be a perfect parent and also have a perfect career at the same time. We have to make sacrifices as we go.

If you need to prioritize your career, it means you would have to spend less time with your children. Is it ideal? No! But by working hard, you can invest more in your kids’ education. You become a role model in achieving goals, and you are happier as a person, which is also very beneficial for your children.

If you want to spend more time with your children, it means you might not achieve as much as you potentially can at work. Is it ideal? No! But your children will have healthy bond with you and gain confidence from it.

As mothers, we just need to clearly understand the priority of our lives and learn the importance of making choices, which come with sacrifices. Once the decisions are made, we should focus on the positive impacts that come with our decisions, instead of the things that we will be missing out.

3) Ask for help!

For working moms, the biggest struggle comes with major conflicts between work and life. When you need to be on an emergency business trip while your spouse is also away, or when you need to be in an important meeting soon but the school called to let you know your kid was sick, you definitely need some help to sort things out. If possible, you can ask your extended family to help and have a support system to contribute time or even funds for childcare. If no families live near, you might need to have a list of reliable babysitters on hand for emergencies. This of course shouldn’t replace parents’ responsibility, but the extra support can give you peace of mind knowing your children will be in good hands no matter what.

4) Use the “X Factor” in parenting: Attention and Love

As much as we see the similarity between parenting and project management, there is something very different between them, which is our love for the children. This can be regarded as an “X Factor” in the Parenting Triangle, to make things a little more flexible. A recent study showed that quality of time is more important than quantity of time you get to spend with your kids. It is not to say that quantity is not important. My take away from the research is that whenever you have time to spend with your children, make sure to pay attention and make them feel loved. On the other hand, also make sure to love yourself and try not to stress out about not being able to spend enough time with your children. The research showed that “mothers’ distress is related to poor outcomes for their children”, which is counterproductive to what you wanted. So it is also very important to find time for yourself and love yourself.

“Love your children and love yourself.”

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The working mommies are the most courageous and loving people on earth. You deserve better than the unnecessary guilt and unrealistic expectations to do it all and have it all. Love your children and love yourself. You are the best!!!

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An Open Letter to the “Perfect Parents”

…I decided to address this issue in an open letter for the “perfect parents” to understand why for most of us things aren’t perfect in the parenting world, and the least you can do is to judge.

My thoughts after the interrupted BBC interview went viral.

Last Friday, I was browsing through Facebook on my phone as usual. Suddenly this funny video popped up in my feed and cracked me up. A professor was doing a live interview on BBC about the impeachment of the Korean president. Everything seemed like business as usual, until this little girl opened the door, approaching the professor in high spirit and dancing. The professor tried to stay professional while using his left hand to push the girl back from the webcam. While I thought things couldn’t get any funnier, her little brother quickly followed her sister and “rolled into” the room, followed by their mother, grabbing the kids, got them out of the room, and finally, the famous “reach” for the door. As a mother who always tried to work from home while taking care of my two year old, I loved how this video was unscripted, hilarious and just so real!! This is our life and it feels good to know that a highly respected professor, who gets to talk about serious political issues on BBC, also share the same struggle as us while trying to work from home. However, the fun kind of stopped as I stroll down to read the comments.

perfect parents social media comments — *Selected social media comments on the viral video*

These are only a few of the comments I found on different social media websites. Sadly, this was actually not surprising to me. Every time there was a parenting incident reported on the news, those “perfect parents” would jump in and quickly judging the parents, often started with phrases like “I would never…” or “If I were him/her…”. These parents (or parents wanna be) are just so confident that they would’ve handled the same situation perfectly, or at least better than the parents they see on the news. I have to say that before I was a mother, I had been one of them, the “perfect parents”. I might not have actually said or written anything, but I definitely had the same judgmental thoughts. I thought I was so rational and cautious that I would treat and educate my kid in the most perfect way. But little did I know what it takes to be a good mother. Especially, parenting a spirited child isn’t as easy as step 1, 2, 3. This eye-opening experience changed how I see the world, so I decided to address this issue in an open letter for the “perfect parents” to understand why for most of us things aren’t perfect in the parenting world, and the least you can do is to judge.

Dear “Perfect Parents”,

I know that you are always observant, rational and critical. You are always so together that nothing has slipped through on your watch. You may have raised a couple kids and they always listen to you and behave like you wanted them to be. You think you know everything about parenting or at least enough for you to be a good parent. And most importantly, you care about other kids. You care so much that (A) You have to offer advice to other parents, so that they could do a better job; or (B) You are afraid that something horrible would happen to your kids, so you have to say the “right thing” out loud to remind yourself and feel better. I know, I’ve been there and I was one of you. But everything changed after I became a mother of a strong willed child. I would never judge another parent just because something happened to a kid, or just because I witnessed a kid’s seem-to-be-troubled behavior, without trying to understand the background stories first. Here are my reasons:

1) Maybe you saw the worst side of the story.

So you saw this professor handling the live TV emergency on BBC improperly and immediately jumped into conclusion that he was not a capable or loving daddy. “He should’ve locked the door” someone commented. Yes he should’ve. But little did you know that he had been doing live TV interviews for 6 years and this was the only time he forgot to lock the door. “He should’ve just picked the girl up and acknowledge the cute family” someone else said. Yes he could’ve. However he was just a professor who never got trained properly to handle emergencies on live TV. At that moment all he thought about was to finish his job as professionally as he could. If you got a chance to watch the “sequel” of the interrupted BBC interview, you would see a loving pair of parents trying to stay sane during an interview while two young cranky kids crawling around them. This is life. This is us! Toddlers are unpredictable, especially the spirited ones. When you see an incident happening, try to remember that it could just be a bad day or one single isolated incident. Don’t you agree that it is too harsh to judge another fellow parent simply base on one thing they did?

2) Because you never know if you can do better.

We all know that cookie-cutter parenting doesn’t work, because our kids are all different. Some are sweet and laid back, and others are stubborn and strong willed. Some are chatterboxes and others are quiet observers. Some parents may think that they have raised “good kids”, so they must have done a better job, hence they get to judge others who didn’t do the “right thing”. But this isn’t necessarily true. Maybe you are just lucky that you were blessed with kids who were naturally easy going and more understanding than others. Or, on the contrary, in the worst case scenario, maybe the kids only “behaved” because they were afraid to speak up against their parents, or they don’t even care to communicate, due to overly strict parenting. Of course, I am not speaking against parents who did great jobs parenting their children. I am working very hard myself to be one of them and I strongly believe that good parenting can directly affect a child’s personality, mental health, intelligent achievement and happiness in life. I am simply saying that every family has a unique story, so nobody is entitled to judge others simply because they think they did a better job or that they know better. Because you just never know!

3) Parenting is a 24/7 job and parents are only human.

“Parenting is a 24/7 job and parents are only human.”

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“Parents are children’s best teachers.” This is an old Chinese saying which I absolutely agree with. However, parents are not teachers. Teachers greet the students in the morning and see them off in the afternoon, then they are able to get off work and just go home. But parents can’t. The kids do not obey parents the same way as how they do at school. And parents can’t always stay focused the same way teachers do (I am talking about those responsible teachers here). So if occasionally we are not paying attention or not treating our children properly, it isn’t because we don’t love our children or we aren’t responsible parents. It is simply because we are human and we are tired, especially for those who work from home or the stay-at-home parents. We love our children so much that we are always on top of everything, wanting to make sure the kids are safe, healthy, well-educated and happy. When we are doing this on a 24/7 basis, it drained so much energy from us and sometimes we just need a break. A lot of times, the improper things, which you witnessed or heard about, happened exactly when we needed a break. Does it make us bad parent? I say not! On the contrary, we learn from our mistakes, get re-energized and become better parents.

Your fellow parent,

Strong Headed Mom

We often teach our kids to be compassionate and empathetic. And we, the parents, need to do exactly the same, learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, think and act objectively and responsibly. We all have made tremendous efforts to be good parents and there are so many bumps on the road that we can’t avoid. I really hope my fellow parents who are struggling and self-doubting to chin up and believe in what you’ve been doing. And I also hope the “perfect parents” out there to stop and think twice before you make any judgment on other parents again. We, the parents, are all in this together! 🙂

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